Tag Archives: life choices

Let’s try this again…

The last time I decided to try online dating I ended up dating a guy who tried to move in with me faster than fast, and a few other who creeped me out more than they enticed me. But, given that I’ve spent the last year or so focusing all my energy on finishing up my degree, and adding a minor to boot, I think maybe I should try again. Plus, the last time I met a guy I actually liked and gave him my number, I ended up ignoring all his calls for a week. He eventually stopped trying, and I was so utterly terrified that I could actually like him that I panicked.

Or better yet. A few months ago I was sitting at the cafeteria by my office, skimming through a magazine while I waited for my BLT, when this guy walks in. I looked up at him and I remember thinking how beautiful I thought he was, so I smiled at him and he smiled back. The lady brought my sandwich, and he leaned next to me on the counter and asked me how my day was going. I looked at him, grabbed my stuff, and just walked out. Not a word. It was like my body reacted before my mind could. Geez all he did was make small talk and I ran for my life, basically.

I think, and this is just a guess here, but I think I slightly more emotionally damaged than I thought I was. Or maybe I’ve been too domesticated, and I need to be reintroduced into the wild…

It’s like me? Meet actual people? No. I don’t do that kind of thing anymore. I work, study, and dabble in writing short stories and screenplays. But actually getting to know new people? Why would I want to do that?

Huh. That’s actually a good question. Why would I want to do that? Oh yeah, because I can’t be all about work, and I can’t keep spending all my free time with my siblings and Netflix. What kind of life would that be? Besides, I’m running out of things to write about and I need new inspiration, and stories. I need stories, but stories that I’ve lived – cause those are the best kind.

But, eer, online dating? Then there’s these possibilities…

online-dating

onlinedatingmeme

 

At least I’m not the only one who struggles with new age dating. Here’s a great list, and hilarious too.

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The Real Lesson Here

A few times in my life, I have experienced the feeling of “destiny” when meeting someone new. The feeling is like a pull, almost like gravity, that suddenly makes you feel heavy on the earth. Like you suddenly belong exactly where you are standing at that very moment and no one, and nothing, can move you. It lasts just a few seconds, or even minutes, but then it’s gone and all you’re left with is this feeling like something important just happened. It’s like an understanding that this person should be in your life…

I’ve experienced that feeling twice, and both times I was far too focused on all the wrong things to truly understand what it meant.

The first time I was seventeen, and afraid of what people would say or think if I followed my gut and took the chance on a stranger. It was a complicated situation and I was way too young and inexperienced to really see what was going on at the time.

The second time, I was twenty-three and terrified of making another huge mistake. I was not in a place where I wanted to introduce new people, or complications, into my life and I had already learned how easily a few bad moves could wreak havoc on your entire life. Still, I almost took the chance with this one, but the fear of falling into another downward spiral was just too much. So instead, I went with the logical choice.

People always say that experiences make you wiser and as you get older, you learn to maneuver yourself in this big ole world.  But looking back, I think that what makes us wiser is not the experiences themselves, but the fact that we learn to trust ourselves above all else. We’re born with all the tools that we need to live the lives laid out for us, even with all the curve balls life throws our way. Our gut tells us which way to go and when to stop or move on, we just have to listen.

We get so caught up in societies’ interpretation of what’s right and what’s wrong that we forget the fact that we already know, we know because we can feel it. We come naturally equipped with the skills we need to live in the world, what we learn along the way are the skills we need to survive in the society that we created. We created a society full of double standards, harsh words and an abundance of greed where we should have an abundance of compassion.

In retrospect, I’ve faced this test twice and twice I had failed. I failed because I missed the lesson the first time, and let fear take over the second time. But the lesson is not to take the risk, but to follow my heart, my gut and my own instincts.

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Feeling that good ‘ol holiday spirit

Maybe there’s something in the air, maybe it’s just a blend of good times or maybe it’s the result of extreme moments of intoxication. Whatever the reason behind it, I’m oh so jolly for the holidays this year. Don’t get me wrong, this is always my favorite time of year, but there’s just something different about this year. I can’t remember the last time I felt this…well…happy. Is that sad? Has it been that long since I’ve had a holiday this nice and drama free? Damn. Maybe it has.

Either way, I am beyond words grateful for all the amazing people that I have in my life right now. I’ve been changing a lot these past few years and would be where I am today without them. It’s crazy, because where I am, is something I fought for so long. Something I was sure I did not want and now, looking back, I was just scared. Scared of really branching out and testing out these wings. I held onto something much longer than I should have just because it was easier than letting it go. But I can’t say those years were wasted because I still accomplished a lot of cool things during that time, but it’s like they say “it’s always clear when you’re looking towards the past.” I think everyone has that moment where you realize how different your life would have been if you knew then what you know now, but thinking about it, wouldn’t your present be very different too? Changing your past changes your future and if you’re having that moment now…you’re probably in a pretty good place.

I don’t know, I wish I could say that I’d change it if I could, but I wouldn’t change a thing. Because all that shit, all that heartbreak and pain, those lessons made me the woman that I am today. An educated, professional, completely independent young woman. That’s something I’d been feeling strange about, but after a few wise words from some very wise friends, I realized that where I am is a good place. It’s a place that some people struggle to get to their whole lives and I’m here now. That feeling, that doubt I was feeling was just fear. Fear of something new and unknown, and you know what? Fear is nothing more that a state of mind. It has power because you give it power and you can take it back once you realize that’s all it is.

So, getting back on track, I want to wish everyone a wonderful holiday season this year. I hope you are surrounded with lots of joy, laughter and good times. I hope you remember the true meaning of this season and cherish the people that you love, cause if I’ve learned anything, it’s that people come and go-faster than you can imagine.

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To age or not to age?

I’m having a bit of a difficult time lately with my aging and growth process. People always say that your teenage years are the hardest, and yeah mine were kind of crazy, but my twenties are definitely a hundred times more challenging. I mean yes, my teens were filled with mood swings, emotional ups and downs at the drop of a hat and obscene hormone levels, but even with all that I felt more alive than anything.

And now, I can’t really figure out where I am or where I should be. I’ll admit I had a minor meltdown right before I turned 25 a few months back, but I handled it…or so I thought. It was unfortunate that my meltdown happened at work and in front of co-workers, but luckily I was able to stop the tears pretty fast. Anyway, the past few weeks I’ve really been thinking about everything that’s happened in the past 2 years. Everything that has brought me to where I am today.

I have this amazing job that I love, a great apartment, I mean I practically live in paradise and I have an incredible family and loved ones…and still. There’s something missing. It’s weird because, for the first time in my life, I’m living totally on my own with no help from my parents or a boyfriend and I should be feeling great. I should be feeling like the strong, independent young woman that I’ve become. Instead, I feel a little out of place.

Your twenties are supposed to be the time that you have to try things out. To make mistakes and really find yourself, which I think is great, but by settling into this small town in a corporate job in the middle of my twenties am I giving in too quickly? Am I rushing to fit into this new role now just because I’m recovering from the breakup? Yes, the breakup is still a factor in my life. Some people, like my ex, move on quickly and forgot about you within a week, and some people are like me and take the time to heal. So yeah, it’s taking me a while to completely get over someone that was such a huge part of my life for about a decade. It is what it is so deal with it.

I just wish I could pause things where they are now, go off and have a million life experiences in a handful of countries and then come back and be all grown up and responsible. Why is the timing on this kind of shit always so off? On top of all this, the fact that I’ve been feeling like such an outsider is just making me miss home. It has me actually talking about moving back to Miami in “what if” terms, which is a little scary too.

What would you do if it were you? How did you live up your twenties?

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