Tag Archives: growing up

ser·en·dip·i·tous

It’s crazy how quickly people can come into your life. Without warning, or obstacles, someone can ease into your life in the strangest of ways. You could meet someone that you connect with at the grocery store, or pumping gas, or at a restaurant on a Friday night after work.

The way it happens sometimes…It makes me think of that Michael Buble song, “Haven’t Met You Yet.” It’s a weird thing to wrap your mind around if you really think about it. How people are going about their business and living their own lives, until one day, they meet you…and everything changes.

You really never know when it might happen or just how meaningful that person may actually become. I guess life’s just interesting in that way.

I never saw him coming. I had taken a long hiatus from the dating world to focus on my studies, and really, I’d only just started to date again when I met him. To be honest, I wasn’t too thrilled to even start dating. It’s a tough thing, and stressful, and so often leaves you disillusioned and disappointed.

I’ve never been the type to fall quickly, or easily for that matter, so opening up to a new heartbreak wasn’t exactly high on my to-do list.  But now, just a few months into it, I surprise myself at every corner. It’s that I suddenly lack barriers or deeply embedded walls, but it’s the fact that for the first time, I wish I did. I want to let him in, to show him my scars and tell him all my stories. The good ones, the funny ones, the bad stories, and all about the things that I never thought I’d recover from.

It seems that somewhere within my short time in his presence, love stopped being this scary thing that ended in destruction and became a happy possibility.

Don’t get me wrong, the cynic in me is still very much alive and kicking, and points out how this could all end. But for once, a part of me wonders what if. A part of me hopes that the love and affection that so warmly gazes at me though his hazel eyes is real, and true. Hopes that the safety I feel within his tight embrace will always be around, and prays that the damaged parts of me won’t be too much for his gentle heart to bear.

It’s a different part of me, one that I didn’t know I had. Maybe it’s the way he looks at me, or maybe it’s something else. I guess life’s just interesting in that way.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Blog Post, Dating

I accidentally taught my little brother the word slut

I have a complex relationship with the word, because I hate that it’s used to demean women and I like that there’s an entire movement about reclaiming the word, but sometimes it just slips out as a negative thing. Like this time. We were looking at Halloween costumes, and I remembered the topic in class about how the female comic book characters are always dressed in these frilly little dresses and tutus, when though the actual comic book versions of them DO NOT look like that. So as I was flipping through the Party City catalog, I commented kind of to myself, how annoying it is that the only available girl version of the ninja turtles if a “slutty dress.” Anthony asked me what that meant, and I just said that they put the girl in a short little dress that extra tight and really does nothing to stay true to the actual character. Like the girl costume for Donatello, the only ninja turtle available in girl costume because he wears a purple mask. Really? That’s the determining factor? So anyways, I gave him the explanation and then thought damn, I maybe should not have said that.  That word is just much more complicated than that, but he’s only 11 and it was bad enough I added it to his vocabulary.

Sure enough, when my mom came home that night he gave her a speech about how ridiculous men are and that he refused to buy a costume at Party City because they think women can only be slutty super heroes and not real ones. He went on to say that he didn’t understand what their problem was but that they just needed to get over it because girls can be super heroes too. Since then, I’ve heard him give the speech to his dad, our other brother and God knows who else in school. I’m expecting a call from his teacher any day now on the topic.

6 Comments

Filed under Blog Post

Some goodbyes are harder than others

Some happen in the heat of a moment, others in the midst of tears. Some happen in public places, most happen in doorways and cars. But some goodbyes happen long after that person has left your life. Sometimes the sad realization that a story has reached its end takes time to sink in. Sometimes it takes a few weeks, sometimes it takes a few months, and in some cases, it takes a few years.

Sometimes the actual goodbye is as simple as letting go of hope. Letting go of that last little bit of hope, deep inside your soul, that maybe your story just hit a road bump. An intermission. A break in time for the characters to develop and make their way back around to each other. It’s the kind of hope you don’t talk about or even acknowledge, but you always know that it’s there. Waiting. Loving. And always hoping.

Maybe you reach that moment on your own, in your own time, or maybe you reach that moment when you finally meet someone that reminds you of what it feels like to be part of an “us” again. Someone who wants to stand tall by your side and experience new things with you. Either way, the feelings that this moment entails are the same. It’s a deep rooted sadness. It’s the realization of a truth that you always knew. An ending that you tried to avoid. The ending that you couldn’t bring yourself to face.

It’s almost like realizing you’d been living your life in denial, in limbo, in a pause. Or maybe you weren’t living your life at all. You went through the motions, accomplished great things, checked off places to see on your bucket list, but through all of it your heart was closed. It was on hiatus. It was taking a long break, not by choice, but in order to survive because coming alive meant facing the end.

It’s like being there at the time of death, but skipping the funeral. At some point, you’ve got to visit that grave. You’ll find yourself looking for the tombstone and as the rain pours down, you fall to your knees in front of that place. The place where your hope died, all those years ago.

It’s an ending, but a bittersweet one because what allowed you to let that old hope go, has replaced it with a new hope. A new future. The possibility of love and happiness, after so much rain.

Leave a comment

Filed under Blog Post

Let’s try this again…

The last time I decided to try online dating I ended up dating a guy who tried to move in with me faster than fast, and a few other who creeped me out more than they enticed me. But, given that I’ve spent the last year or so focusing all my energy on finishing up my degree, and adding a minor to boot, I think maybe I should try again. Plus, the last time I met a guy I actually liked and gave him my number, I ended up ignoring all his calls for a week. He eventually stopped trying, and I was so utterly terrified that I could actually like him that I panicked.

Or better yet. A few months ago I was sitting at the cafeteria by my office, skimming through a magazine while I waited for my BLT, when this guy walks in. I looked up at him and I remember thinking how beautiful I thought he was, so I smiled at him and he smiled back. The lady brought my sandwich, and he leaned next to me on the counter and asked me how my day was going. I looked at him, grabbed my stuff, and just walked out. Not a word. It was like my body reacted before my mind could. Geez all he did was make small talk and I ran for my life, basically.

I think, and this is just a guess here, but I think I slightly more emotionally damaged than I thought I was. Or maybe I’ve been too domesticated, and I need to be reintroduced into the wild…

It’s like me? Meet actual people? No. I don’t do that kind of thing anymore. I work, study, and dabble in writing short stories and screenplays. But actually getting to know new people? Why would I want to do that?

Huh. That’s actually a good question. Why would I want to do that? Oh yeah, because I can’t be all about work, and I can’t keep spending all my free time with my siblings and Netflix. What kind of life would that be? Besides, I’m running out of things to write about and I need new inspiration, and stories. I need stories, but stories that I’ve lived – cause those are the best kind.

But, eer, online dating? Then there’s these possibilities…

online-dating

onlinedatingmeme

 

At least I’m not the only one who struggles with new age dating. Here’s a great list, and hilarious too.

Leave a comment

Filed under Blog Post, Dating

A curious thought

How is it that everything in your life can change, almost completely, yet feelings don’t? And I mean real feelings, not fleeting sensations of anger or desire, but deep sentiments. The kind of sentiments you feel in the very core of your soul.

We seem to have this innate ability to forget wrong-doings, or the exchange of harsh words, but only when the feelings run deep. The deeper they run, the more we seem to overlook.

On the other end, when your feelings towards someone are less than loving, we can cut them out of our lives at the slightest infraction. Those people we can’t see to forgive, no matter how minor the injury.

It makes me wonder, if the things we find offensive and the words we hold against others ever truly offend us, or are we just acting offended because society expects us to?

Personally, I’ve been in situations where I was lied to and when I found out, I have to say that I forgave him the second I found out. But, I still punished him for the lie. I held it against him because I was supposed to, I mean, what kind of person doesn’t get mad when they find out they were lied to? What kind of person understands the liar’s situation and just, well, forgives them? An idiot, I thought.

Now that I’m older, and a little wiser I’d like to think, I realize that it was all an act and an unnecessary one too. But still, I know there are other actions I take that sometimes come as second nature, but I know they’re taught reactions because while they might be instant, they always feel a little off. Almost like you’re wearing someone else’s clothes, or playing a part in a play.

I mean, right?

Maybe I’m not making any sense, but it’s just a thought…a curious thought.

1 Comment

Filed under Blog Post

Why so comforting?

What is it about the past that makes it so comforting? Even the things that were difficult and hopeless, seem to turn into these nostalgic moments and suddenly, you forget how badly they sucked. It’s like getting punched in the gut and later, when you look back, you miss the sensation.

What the hell?

It sounds crazy, I know, but it happens. You may not even realize that it’s happened to you until you make yourself remember, really remember that memory or that person or time. Then, it’s like ohhhh yeahhh, that was awful.

nostalgia

I don’t know if it’s my impending birthday or just my lack of a love life in the past year – and interest in one for that matter – but I keep reminiscing over the past.  It’s almost like an ache for something that I once knew, something that once knew me I guess.

It’s also really annoying when I have to physically stop myself from repairing bridges I burned on purpose.  Um, yeah, there was a reason things changed and it was a damn good reason too.

Plus, I have all this anxiety and I’m not sure why exactly. Okay, so I’m going to be 28, it’s not the end of the world and I don’t feel like I’m freaking out over it. At least not more than I usually freak out. I mean I’m also stressing with school since I graduate in December, finally, with a B.A. in English Literature. I know, I should have a Ph.D with all the years I’ve spent in college but hey, life happens.

At least I’m going on a cruise in a few days, right?

It’s my first cruise ever, and it’s for seven days with stops in the Caribbean. I wouldn’t be stressing this trip at all, except the last time I was on a boat a few weeks ago I had my first experience with sea sickness and wanted to die. It was one of the worst four hours of my life, when I say I seriously considered swimming back to shore, I mean I SERIOUSLY considered it.  So now, I’m excited for the adventure, but terrified of sea sickness. I can’t wait to explore the ship, but get nauseous when I think about sleeping in a tiny room in the middle of the ocean.

Did I mention we’re going to zip-line? Right. See, I also have a minor fear of jumping off a cliff. There’s just something about jumping-over sharp rocks and through an uninhabited forest that makes me a little uneasy. Excited, but still, mainly uneasy.

Leave a comment

Filed under Blog Post

Umm, errr…aging

When you’re a teenager, and even well into your twenties, people always tell you how much you’re going to change when you get older. How you’ll think differently and mature, and even outgrow some of your relationships. But you never really believe them. You might nod, and smile, and tell them you’re sure they’re right, but in the back of your naïve little brain you’re thinking yeah right. Maybe they changed, but you’re different. Right.

18dygo3y4gwp6jpg

Except, well, you’re not.

At the end of the day all those annoying people, packed with age and wisdom, were right and you did change. It wasn’t even like you had a choice. You just woke up one day and BAM!, you were different. Your opinions were different, your tastes were different and suddenly, you started craving the musical tunes that fueled your youth. It was hellooo 90s and goodbyeee techno.

boy bands

At least that’s what happened to me.

I turned 25, and had a minor emotional meltdown, and suddenly the career that I had spent the better part of a decade chasing seemed so…so pointless. I had gone from writing about news to fashion to events, and then to actually putting those big events together for a newspaper. Don’t get me wrong, I chose to become a journalist because I had something to say. I had a different opinion that most people I knew, mainly the much older people, but still – I had an opinion. Except, I never considered that I’d have to write about what other people (editors) wanted to publish and mostly have to keep my opinions to myself.

Then, somewhere between 26 and 27, I got old. When I say old, I mean like the doorman tells Debbie in Knocked Up, “I can’t let you in cause you’re old as fuck. For this club, you know, not for the earth.” The man has a point. Granted, I’m not Debbie’s age, but I’ve been partying since I was 14 years old, and in a few weeks that’s going to mean that I’ve been partying for 14 YEARS. I’m kind of over it, you know, I want to do something else.

Anything else, and who knows, I might just love it.

Friends

Leave a comment

Filed under Blog Post