Tag Archives: life

April 22, 2015 · 8:44 PM

ser·en·dip·i·tous

It’s crazy how quickly people can come into your life. Without warning, or obstacles, someone can ease into your life in the strangest of ways. You could meet someone that you connect with at the grocery store, or pumping gas, or at a restaurant on a Friday night after work.

The way it happens sometimes…It makes me think of that Michael Buble song, “Haven’t Met You Yet.” It’s a weird thing to wrap your mind around if you really think about it. How people are going about their business and living their own lives, until one day, they meet you…and everything changes.

You really never know when it might happen or just how meaningful that person may actually become. I guess life’s just interesting in that way.

I never saw him coming. I had taken a long hiatus from the dating world to focus on my studies, and really, I’d only just started to date again when I met him. To be honest, I wasn’t too thrilled to even start dating. It’s a tough thing, and stressful, and so often leaves you disillusioned and disappointed.

I’ve never been the type to fall quickly, or easily for that matter, so opening up to a new heartbreak wasn’t exactly high on my to-do list.  But now, just a few months into it, I surprise myself at every corner. It’s that I suddenly lack barriers or deeply embedded walls, but it’s the fact that for the first time, I wish I did. I want to let him in, to show him my scars and tell him all my stories. The good ones, the funny ones, the bad stories, and all about the things that I never thought I’d recover from.

It seems that somewhere within my short time in his presence, love stopped being this scary thing that ended in destruction and became a happy possibility.

Don’t get me wrong, the cynic in me is still very much alive and kicking, and points out how this could all end. But for once, a part of me wonders what if. A part of me hopes that the love and affection that so warmly gazes at me though his hazel eyes is real, and true. Hopes that the safety I feel within his tight embrace will always be around, and prays that the damaged parts of me won’t be too much for his gentle heart to bear.

It’s a different part of me, one that I didn’t know I had. Maybe it’s the way he looks at me, or maybe it’s something else. I guess life’s just interesting in that way.

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February 25, 2015 · 11:44 PM

Some goodbyes are harder than others

Some happen in the heat of a moment, others in the midst of tears. Some happen in public places, most happen in doorways and cars. But some goodbyes happen long after that person has left your life. Sometimes the sad realization that a story has reached its end takes time to sink in. Sometimes it takes a few weeks, sometimes it takes a few months, and in some cases, it takes a few years.

Sometimes the actual goodbye is as simple as letting go of hope. Letting go of that last little bit of hope, deep inside your soul, that maybe your story just hit a road bump. An intermission. A break in time for the characters to develop and make their way back around to each other. It’s the kind of hope you don’t talk about or even acknowledge, but you always know that it’s there. Waiting. Loving. And always hoping.

Maybe you reach that moment on your own, in your own time, or maybe you reach that moment when you finally meet someone that reminds you of what it feels like to be part of an “us” again. Someone who wants to stand tall by your side and experience new things with you. Either way, the feelings that this moment entails are the same. It’s a deep rooted sadness. It’s the realization of a truth that you always knew. An ending that you tried to avoid. The ending that you couldn’t bring yourself to face.

It’s almost like realizing you’d been living your life in denial, in limbo, in a pause. Or maybe you weren’t living your life at all. You went through the motions, accomplished great things, checked off places to see on your bucket list, but through all of it your heart was closed. It was on hiatus. It was taking a long break, not by choice, but in order to survive because coming alive meant facing the end.

It’s like being there at the time of death, but skipping the funeral. At some point, you’ve got to visit that grave. You’ll find yourself looking for the tombstone and as the rain pours down, you fall to your knees in front of that place. The place where your hope died, all those years ago.

It’s an ending, but a bittersweet one because what allowed you to let that old hope go, has replaced it with a new hope. A new future. The possibility of love and happiness, after so much rain.

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January 28, 2015 · 11:10 AM

Kids + Media

My little brother made a comment the other day that really made me think about what children are learning and taking away from the media they consume. He was talking to my mom about some song by Nirvana, a band that he’s recently become obsessed with, and she told him that she didn’t really know their music because she was never a fan. To this he said “Of course not mom, girls don’t have good taste in music. Don’t worry its cause you just don’t know.” My mom laughed it off like a joke and walked away, but I was so shocked with the comment that I went off on a long lesson about gender roles and stereotypes.

I explained to him about the women’s rights movement and how very different life would be for my mom and I if things had not changed, how things were in the earlier decades of the 1900s and how hurtful it is when he makes comments like that. I told him that saying something like that is the same as someone saying he doesn’t have real feelings because he’s a boy, to which he got upset and said that was crazy especially since he’s such a sensitive kid and so attached to my mom. I also pointed out several revolutionary female musicians like Joan Jett had a rock band that was very successful, while often controversial. The odd thing was that I couldn’t figure out where he was getting these ideals from, since that’s not the example he sees at home. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the videos he watches on YouTube may not flat out SAY these things, but they certainly imply them. When they say things like “oh, what are you a girl?” to describe some less than ideal behavior or bad move in a game, they make that distinction that being a girl is a bad thing because it makes you less than a man.

Hopefully by continuing to be open with him, he’s only 11, about these things we can fix some of the damage. He gave my mom a long apology when she got back that night and promised to never assume she didn’t know something just because she was a girl.

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July 15, 2014 · 6:01 PM

A curious thought

How is it that everything in your life can change, almost completely, yet feelings don’t? And I mean real feelings, not fleeting sensations of anger or desire, but deep sentiments. The kind of sentiments you feel in the very core of your soul.

We seem to have this innate ability to forget wrong-doings, or the exchange of harsh words, but only when the feelings run deep. The deeper they run, the more we seem to overlook.

On the other end, when your feelings towards someone are less than loving, we can cut them out of our lives at the slightest infraction. Those people we can’t see to forgive, no matter how minor the injury.

It makes me wonder, if the things we find offensive and the words we hold against others ever truly offend us, or are we just acting offended because society expects us to?

Personally, I’ve been in situations where I was lied to and when I found out, I have to say that I forgave him the second I found out. But, I still punished him for the lie. I held it against him because I was supposed to, I mean, what kind of person doesn’t get mad when they find out they were lied to? What kind of person understands the liar’s situation and just, well, forgives them? An idiot, I thought.

Now that I’m older, and a little wiser I’d like to think, I realize that it was all an act and an unnecessary one too. But still, I know there are other actions I take that sometimes come as second nature, but I know they’re taught reactions because while they might be instant, they always feel a little off. Almost like you’re wearing someone else’s clothes, or playing a part in a play.

I mean, right?

Maybe I’m not making any sense, but it’s just a thought…a curious thought.

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July 2, 2014 · 6:16 PM

Why so comforting?

What is it about the past that makes it so comforting? Even the things that were difficult and hopeless, seem to turn into these nostalgic moments and suddenly, you forget how badly they sucked. It’s like getting punched in the gut and later, when you look back, you miss the sensation.

What the hell?

It sounds crazy, I know, but it happens. You may not even realize that it’s happened to you until you make yourself remember, really remember that memory or that person or time. Then, it’s like ohhhh yeahhh, that was awful.

nostalgia

I don’t know if it’s my impending birthday or just my lack of a love life in the past year – and interest in one for that matter – but I keep reminiscing over the past.  It’s almost like an ache for something that I once knew, something that once knew me I guess.

It’s also really annoying when I have to physically stop myself from repairing bridges I burned on purpose.  Um, yeah, there was a reason things changed and it was a damn good reason too.

Plus, I have all this anxiety and I’m not sure why exactly. Okay, so I’m going to be 28, it’s not the end of the world and I don’t feel like I’m freaking out over it. At least not more than I usually freak out. I mean I’m also stressing with school since I graduate in December, finally, with a B.A. in English Literature. I know, I should have a Ph.D with all the years I’ve spent in college but hey, life happens.

At least I’m going on a cruise in a few days, right?

It’s my first cruise ever, and it’s for seven days with stops in the Caribbean. I wouldn’t be stressing this trip at all, except the last time I was on a boat a few weeks ago I had my first experience with sea sickness and wanted to die. It was one of the worst four hours of my life, when I say I seriously considered swimming back to shore, I mean I SERIOUSLY considered it.  So now, I’m excited for the adventure, but terrified of sea sickness. I can’t wait to explore the ship, but get nauseous when I think about sleeping in a tiny room in the middle of the ocean.

Did I mention we’re going to zip-line? Right. See, I also have a minor fear of jumping off a cliff. There’s just something about jumping-over sharp rocks and through an uninhabited forest that makes me a little uneasy. Excited, but still, mainly uneasy.

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September 29, 2013 · 7:37 PM

Motivation, Where’d You Go?

I can remember a time, not so long ago, when the words would just flow. A time when I had so much to say that I worried I would never have the time to get it all out. Where did that time go? I can’t remember when it went away. I can’t remember when I started to stumble on my own words. Somewhere along the line, somewhere along the progression of this life, I stopped speaking from my heart and started worrying with my mind.

Now, my words are blurred and often hidden behind walls of fear and judgement. Hidden even from me, from my own eyes. It’s as if this technological evolution we’ve found ourselves in is just another doubled edged sword we can’t seem to see. You’re damned if you share, you’re damned if you don’t.

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September 1, 2013 · 5:59 PM

Rocking the Boat

In the chess game of life, when you think you’ve figured it out is actually when you have nothing figured out. Nothing at all. Sometimes, it feels like you’re on a wooden boat in the middle of a storm holding on for dear life. Or maybe, in a fast car just trying to keep the seatbelt tight enough. It’s as if every time you make a big move and start to adapt again, life makes an even bigger move and you’re just like, “touché life, touché.”

In reality, you can make all the plans you want. Do all the research you can manage. Carefully lay out your next steps over the next few years, but it doesn’t really matter. You can’t plan for the weather, no matter what the meteorologists say. Because how can you plan for what you can’t see coming?

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May 20, 2013 · 10:49 PM

The Real Lesson Here

A few times in my life, I have experienced the feeling of “destiny” when meeting someone new. The feeling is like a pull, almost like gravity, that suddenly makes you feel heavy on the earth. Like you suddenly belong exactly where you are standing at that very moment and no one, and nothing, can move you. It lasts just a few seconds, or even minutes, but then it’s gone and all you’re left with is this feeling like something important just happened. It’s like an understanding that this person should be in your life…

I’ve experienced that feeling twice, and both times I was far too focused on all the wrong things to truly understand what it meant.

The first time I was seventeen, and afraid of what people would say or think if I followed my gut and took the chance on a stranger. It was a complicated situation and I was way too young and inexperienced to really see what was going on at the time.

The second time, I was twenty-three and terrified of making another huge mistake. I was not in a place where I wanted to introduce new people, or complications, into my life and I had already learned how easily a few bad moves could wreak havoc on your entire life. Still, I almost took the chance with this one, but the fear of falling into another downward spiral was just too much. So instead, I went with the logical choice.

People always say that experiences make you wiser and as you get older, you learn to maneuver yourself in this big ole world.  But looking back, I think that what makes us wiser is not the experiences themselves, but the fact that we learn to trust ourselves above all else. We’re born with all the tools that we need to live the lives laid out for us, even with all the curve balls life throws our way. Our gut tells us which way to go and when to stop or move on, we just have to listen.

We get so caught up in societies’ interpretation of what’s right and what’s wrong that we forget the fact that we already know, we know because we can feel it. We come naturally equipped with the skills we need to live in the world, what we learn along the way are the skills we need to survive in the society that we created. We created a society full of double standards, harsh words and an abundance of greed where we should have an abundance of compassion.

In retrospect, I’ve faced this test twice and twice I had failed. I failed because I missed the lesson the first time, and let fear take over the second time. But the lesson is not to take the risk, but to follow my heart, my gut and my own instincts.

Life-Lessons-inspiring-quotes

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March 8, 2013 · 12:14 AM

Do you ever feel?

Do you ever feel like you’re searching for something that you just can’t find? You know it’s “something” but that’s the best description you even have…it’s the kind of thing you can’t even put your finger on. The kind of thing you just feel, just know. Maybe it’s something that you recognize on a soul level, maybe it’s something from another life. Something you had or almost had. How long have you been searching for it? Could be years, lifetimes, or even millenniums.

I’ve had a close call or two. So close I thought, maybe just maybe, this could be as close as I’ll ever get…but just close is never enough.

It’s not talking about elusive “the one” because frankly that something that you’re searching for could come in many shapes and sizes. Not necessarily in just a romantic arena. It could be one person or even five people.

Who really knows? Who can say it’s limited to one single person? Especially when you may can come into contact with billions of people on this planet.

It’s about a connection. It’s about a sense of knowing someone in a way that’s deeper than even your conscious mind can go. It’s like in that moment, the universe comes to a complete stop, just to give you a second to take it all in.

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March 11, 2012 · 3:50 PM

You put people in the past for a reason, don’t forget that

People are in your past for one reason and one reason only – they simply do not belong in your future.

Whether you made the decision that put them there or they chose to walk away, the fact is that their part of your story is over. Dead and gone. I’m not saying you just forget about them, the things you shared or that they even exist. But you do have to let it go. Holding on to a failed relationship or refusing to forgive someones betrayal will only hurt you in the long run. People are people and they make mistakes. Sometimes they lie, sometimes they hurt you and sometimes they’re sorry. Forgiving someone does not make you weak or make what they did okay, it simply sets you free. Reminiscing about what was, what wasn’t and what could have been will only hold you back from what is and sometimes what is is better than you can even imagine.

Life moves quickly. It is unyielding and waits for no one. No matter how much planning you may do for it, life will always throw you a curve ball that you better be ready to take. Don’t get me wrong, plans are great. Knowing what you want out of life and where you want to go is very important, but there’s a very big difference between planning and doing. I used to have plans. Big ones. I was 17 and I was ready to take on the world, one adventure at a time. I became a writer because I had something to say, something that was different and controversial. I had opinions and lots of them. But then, life threw me a curve ball. I found myself engaged at 18 and playing wifey before I was even sure I believed in marriage.

That was my curve ball and yes I know it comes up quite a bit in my blogs, but that’s not because I haven’t let it go. It comes up because, for me, that relationship was a game changer. It was a huge part of my life for a very long time and it drastically influenced who I am today. Whether it’s something I’m grateful for or something I regret, I’m not sure yet but it was important. Important because it was unplanned, it took me off course, way off course. It was a curve ball that I did not see coming and looking back, I didn’t really deal with it like I should have. But that’s life. Either way, it got me to where I am today and today, I’m finally realizing that this life is mine. My happiness is in my hands and the choices in front of me are mine to make. Happiness is not so this hard, it’s a simple choice. You choose to be happy. You choose to take risks and follow your gut. And in some cases, you choose to let other people make the wrong choices for you.

No one ever said life was easy or that lessons weren’t earned and not learned, but they do tell you it’s a ride. So why shouldn’t you enjoy every bump and sharp turn? Take it in with the rush that it brings and give in to it. Allow it to change you, to alter your perception of the world. Don’t fear change, embrace it.

 

 

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