Tag Archives: sex

October 16, 2014 · 9:14 PM

Let’s try this again…

The last time I decided to try online dating I ended up dating a guy who tried to move in with me faster than fast, and a few other who creeped me out more than they enticed me. But, given that I’ve spent the last year or so focusing all my energy on finishing up my degree, and adding a minor to boot, I think maybe I should try again. Plus, the last time I met a guy I actually liked and gave him my number, I ended up ignoring all his calls for a week. He eventually stopped trying, and I was so utterly terrified that I could actually like him that I panicked.

Or better yet. A few months ago I was sitting at the cafeteria by my office, skimming through a magazine while I waited for my BLT, when this guy walks in. I looked up at him and I remember thinking how beautiful I thought he was, so I smiled at him and he smiled back. The lady brought my sandwich, and he leaned next to me on the counter and asked me how my day was going. I looked at him, grabbed my stuff, and just walked out. Not a word. It was like my body reacted before my mind could. Geez all he did was make small talk and I ran for my life, basically.

I think, and this is just a guess here, but I think I slightly more emotionally damaged than I thought I was. Or maybe I’ve been too domesticated, and I need to be reintroduced into the wild…

It’s like me? Meet actual people? No. I don’t do that kind of thing anymore. I work, study, and dabble in writing short stories and screenplays. But actually getting to know new people? Why would I want to do that?

Huh. That’s actually a good question. Why would I want to do that? Oh yeah, because I can’t be all about work, and I can’t keep spending all my free time with my siblings and Netflix. What kind of life would that be? Besides, I’m running out of things to write about and I need new inspiration, and stories. I need stories, but stories that I’ve lived – cause those are the best kind.

But, eer, online dating? Then there’s these possibilities…

At least I’m not the only one who struggles with new age dating. Here’s a great list, and hilarious too.

Sex With Friends.

I’ve always heard people say that being friends first is the key to any great relationship. But I’ve come to realize that sleeping with your existing friends may not be the best course to take.

Friendship can be such a tricky kind of relationship. Friends are more than just people you go out and have good times with. Your friends are people that you turn to when you’re in need of advice, when you make bad choices and need to clean it up, when you’re sad, when you’re upset and feel like bashing your ex and above all – these are people who you trust. They know your good AND your bad side. They’ve seen you through your ups, and remember your downs too. And those are just friends in general.

Now, friendships between men and women, those tend to pack a whole new suitcase full of complications. When I was younger, a good guy friend told me that a guy is only friends with a girl for one reason, and he’ll wait as long as he needs to get what he wants. I didn’t believe him, I mean we were friends at the time and nothing had ever happened between us or even come up in conversation. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when he did finally make a move a few months later, and a pretty bold one at that. Even then, I didn’t believe it. I kept thinking that people are friends because they enjoy each other’s company, regardless of their sex. It just had to be true.

For years, I maintained that belief. I incessantly argued for its validity, no matter what anyone else had to say or what their personal experiences were. I was right. I was right because I was younger, because I felt untainted by the world and because I considered their insights to be quite cynical to be honest.

You see, having grown up around boys, I had my fair share of male friends, and those friendships were strictly platonic. I had one friendship in particular that I always used as an example of two people that could be friends without any hint of sexual tension. That is, until my first longtime relationship ended, for good, and suddenly that friendship changed.

All of a sudden, in the midst of my heartbreak, my friend wanted to be more than just my friend. To say that this revelation threw me would be an understatement. But looking back, I feel pretty naïve to not have seen that coming, but I guess I was still pretty green at that point in my life…and pretty stubborn too.

So after a lot of time, and painfully drawn out conversations about the possibility of taking our friendship to the next level, we did. I thought who better to help me heal this broken heart than a close friend? Right?

Wrong.

The thing is, when you take an existing friendship that’s been in your life for over a decade, to that elusive “next level,” you taint it. You only have two places to go from there, you either get serious or you get awkward. And when you’re not sure of your feelings or if they exist or if it was just a part of your healing process, you complicate the situation and make it awkward enough for both of you.

Word of advice, if you’re going to take that step, think it through. Really think it through.

A Closeness You Don’t Forget

There’s something to be said about someone who you can connect with in an intimate kind of way. As you get older, relationships get so complicated and careers becoming so demanding and time becomes so scarce that those connections happen less and less. I feel like, when you’re young and in love, you love so openly. You love with everything you’ve got. I mean you give everything you’ve got, which is probably why your first real heartbreak is so earth-shatteringly painful.

For me, my first love was a relationship that started in high school and lasted well into my twenties. I gave him my heart, my trust, I even gave him my virginity and agreed to marry him. But there was something I could never give him, my forever. We never did walk down that aisle, and not because he didn’t try to make it happen, it’s just that even the thought of that kind of commitment shook me to the core. I would literally feel my throat closing up and my heart racing as a sense of panic radiated through my bones whenever I thought about it. But still, when it ended, I was destroyed.

For most of the relationship, I’d maintained this you don’t own me attitude. Just because I was a woman, to me, did not automatically mean I would clean, cook or take care of a man. Don’t get me wrong, there was a lot that I did do for him, but I just couldn’t do what was expected. Except for that last year. That last year together, I changed. I started cooking dinner, I backed down from arguments (even when I was right),I cleaned more and I was supportive. Very supportive. So when it ended, not only did I not feel like myself anymore, but I had never imagined that anything could hurt that badly.

I assume it could be compared to the pain you feel when someone shoots you. It’d sudden, extremely painful and even after the bullet is removed, the healing process is often difficult. Then, after everything, you’re left with a scar or sometimes, bullet fragments, that you will have to carry around with you forever.

The point is, and I did have a point, that once you’ve healed from a heartbreak and the love and the pain are no longer there…you can still have a connection. You may not realize it or feel it often, but if you clicked sexually, you have a connection. You may wake up sweaty from a realistic dream and long for that person. Memories of those moments might creep into your mind and make you feel a sudden urge to see them again.

People always say that you don’t forget your first love, that as the years go by, you always feel a little something for that person. But is it really love that lingers? Or is it just a lust for the sexually charged moments you shared at a young age?