Category Archives: Blog Post

Sleep has never really come easy to me, not at night anyways. During daylight hours, I can sleep like a baby. Without a care in the world. But once the sun goes down…that’s where my trouble begins.

Lately, I’ve been having these weird, scary kind of dreams. The layout has been the same so far. It’s in my apartment, I can’t seem to get any of the lights  to turn on and I can’t scream for help. I’m afraid and alone.

The last one was in my living room. I was watching TV with the lights off and I look over to my right and there’s a woman standing in front of my refrigerator, with her back to me. She’s wearing a bright green blouse, a black pencil skirt and has light  blond hair. She starts to slowly turn in my direction and I look back at the TV, but I can’t help it and I look at her again. She kind of reminds me of a woman from my office…but she starts to walk towards me. She walks right through the counter and as she gets closer I look back at the TV.

At that point the TV turns off and I start clicking the remote but it won’t work. It’s dark and I don’t see anyone around me anymore. So I get up, walk to the kitchen and flip on a few light switches. The only light that works is the very dim yellow light above my door. Then the garbage disposal starts to go off. Scares the shit out of me. I jump, open my mouth but no sounds comes out. When I look over at the sink I realize that all my dishes are scattered in and around it and my dish rack in on the floor in front of the fridge.

At that point, I panic. I run back to the balcony, to let a little light in and I can’t get the blinds to open. I pull up. I pull down. Nothing moves. I flip the switch for the balcony light and nothing, so I peek my head between the blinds and it’s dark outside. Then, I turn around and start trying to scream but every time I do, I end up gargling instead. Then I realize that I’m gargling because every time I open my mouth to scream, foam is coming out of my mouth.

It’s weird because last time I realized I was dreaming and started trying to make myself wake-up by screaming, but this time I didn’t know. I was just scared and panicked.  But it almost felt like I started to wake-up within the dream, my eyes became heavy and I couldn’t keep them open. Then my body felt weak and I could barely even move. And once I woke up,I had the same difficulty moving my body and keeping my eyes open.

And now I can’t sleep. What’s really odd is that normally when I dream about being in places that are in my life, they’re always different somehow. But now in these dreams, my bedroom, my living room, my kitchen-it’s all exactly like it is in real life. The only thing that changes is the situation. There was a ghost in my last dram like this too…but I couldn’t see it. This time…I saw her.

Relationships are a part of life. An inevitable part of life,  whether it’s our relationships with our families, friends or our significant other. We all have them…some more than others. Some leave a few footprints on your heart, some leave a few cracks in your soul and very few change the course of your life. Those special relationships have the ability to knock your train off the tracks and force you to take a leap of faith.

No matter how big or small the impact a relationship has on your life, there are always complications. Why are relationships so complicated? Because people are complicated. We all have layers upon layers upon layers of ourselves. Some of these layers are obvious like our taste in food and others, like trust and commitment issues, are hiding beneath the surface.

I heard something today that made me think, really think about why we move on the way we do. “It’s easier to live with someone that you’re not in love with than with someone you are in love with.” To be honest, I never really thought about it like that, but it does make sense. When you’re in love, you’re vulnerable to that person. Anything they do or say can either make your day or ruin it. It may not be something they do intentionally, but that’s not really the point is it?

Yet, when you live with someone that your heart is not vulnerable to…it’s so much simpler. You don’t have that fear of losing them or sensitivity to their moods. And well, speaking your mind is a little bit easier too.

The same goes for being in a relationship with someone that you don’t love. I remember dating a boy that I wasn’t in love with, but he was in love with me. It’s wasn’t a very long relationship but it does stand out in my memories. It stands out because it’s the only relationship I’ve ever been in where I was in total control. I had the power. I felt powerful because there was no risk with him. My heart was in zero danger and my emotions were completely unaffected by our situation.

Now, looking back after being in a relationship were I could never get a grip on my feelings, the thought of being in a new relationship where I could feel that power had its appeal. Still, do we ever really leave any of our past relationships behind? Our ex-boyfriends, old friends or distant relatives, are they ever really gone?

I was talking to a friend about this very thing a few days ago and she said “No te vas ha fijar en nadie si no cortas de esa relación,” which in English basically means that you’re not really going to be interested in anyone new if you don’t let go of your past. I thought about this for a while…and it made me wonder. I know you can cut people out of your life, but can you ever really cut them out of your heart?

 

1. Weird things you do when you’re alone.

Fantasize…outloud. 

2. How have you changed in the past 2 years?

I outgrew my old skin, my old fears and my old self.

3. What kind of person attracts you?

A sarcastic one.

4. What you wear to bed.

A really ragged old shirt.

5. Five things that irritate you about the opposite sex.

Lack of understanding for why girls take so much time to get ready.

6. The person you like and why you like them.

7. Your opinion on cheating people.

I think that we’re all human and can easily make mistakes. Monogamy is a choice, a choice that goes against our natural instincts, but we make it anyway for love. It’s not the cheating that I can’t handle, it’s the lying.

8. Something you’re currently worrying about.

Standing on my own two feet.

9. Your last kiss.

Wasn’t worth remembering.

10. Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Over-rated.

11. Your current relationship status.

Single and finally getting to know me. 

12. Things you want to say to your ex.

F%$k You and your opinions too. 

13. A date you would love to go on.

Paint-balling.

14. Something disgusting you do.

I tend to dip my toast in my coffee.

15. The best thing to happen to you this week.

Got to know some really great people on a work trip.

16. Three things you are proud of about your personality.

My witt, my compassion and my strength.

17. Things that make you scared.

Not being able to get a hold of my family…my mind also goes to kidnapping and murder. Blame it on horror films.

18. Disrespecting parents.

Not cool. At any age.

19. Something that never fails to make you feel better.

A hug.

20. The last argument you had.

Today and sadly it was nothing new.

21. Something you can’t seem to get over.

Him.

22. Something you always think “what if…” about.

Not going away to college.

23. Your religious beliefs.

I believe in God. I believe in Karma. I believe in showing others the same kindness you’d like them to show you. My beliefs are much more spiritual than religious.

24. Talk about your siblings.

I’m the oldest of 6 children and my siblings are some of the most amazing human beings I have ever met. They radiate awesomeness in everything they do and inspire me by having the strength to be true to themselves in a world that is constantly trying to corrupt them. I love you guys.

People always say, “you don’t know what you have until it’s gone” or how “things are always clearer when you’re looking to the past.” I have to admit, I’ve been known to use those phrases a time or two, but it’s one of those things you don’t really see the truth in until it hits you right in the face. And yes, turning 25 may have a little bit to do with my current state of mind, but maybe this train of thought was inevitable.

So I sat back and took a look around at my life recently, a good look, and I realized something. I have exactly what I wanted two years ago. A job in my field that I love, and happen to do well, that gives me financial independence and stability. A place of my own that I can decorate exactly how I want to.  I have complete freedom. The only problem is…I’m not the same person I was two years ago.

The two years it took me to get here, to this place in my life, have left me forever changed. Be fore, my priority was career. I wanted a steady job in my field, I wanted to be somewhere that I could grow professionally. I wanted to be able to stand on my own two feet, not to rely on others. Complete independence and success were my goals and relationships kind of took a backseat to those priorities. And although I’ve always felt that love is a very important part of life, I never really put much value on the things that came with love. I didn’t think having a family was as important as having a career. So I refused to give in to that idea and settle down. I fought it so much that the thought of walking down the aisle made my heart race,  and not in a good way.

But now, sitting in my carefully decorated apartment, checking work emails…my point of view is a little bit different. Too bad I couldn’t figure this out before huh? Now I guess I’ll just have to wait and see if love will find me again. And next time…I may surprise you.

Ron Pope-A Drop in the Ocean

A drop in the ocean,
A change in the weather,
I was praying that you and me might end up together.
It’s like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert,
But I’m holding you closer than most,
‘Cause you are my heaven.

I don’t wanna waste the weekend,
If you don’t love me, pretend
A few more hours, then it’s time to go.
And as my train rolls down the East coast,
I wonder how you keep warm.
It’s too late to cry, too broken to move on.

Still I can’t let you be,
Most nights I hardly sleep.
Don’t take what you don’t need, from me.

Just a drop in the ocean,
A change in the weather,
I was praying that you and me might end up together.
It’s like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert,
But I’m holding you closer than most,
‘Cause you are my heaven.

Misplaced trust and old friends,
Never counting the regrets,
By the grace of God, I do not rest at all.
and New England as the leaves change;
The last excuse that I’ll claim,
I was a boy who loved a woman like a little girl.

Still I can’t let you be,
Most nights I hardly sleep,
Don’t take what you don’t need, from me.

A drop in the ocean,
A change in the weather,
I was praying that you and me might end up together.
It’s like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert,
But I’m holding you closer than most,
‘Cause you are my

Heaven doesn’t seem far away anymore no, no
Heaven doesn’t seem far away.
Heaven doesn’t seem far away anymore no, no
Heaven doesn’t seem far away.

aooo
aooo

It’s just a drop in the ocean,
A change in the weather,
I was praying that you and me might end up together.
It’s like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert,
But I’m holding you closer than most,
‘Cause you are my heaven.
You are my heaven

Just Another Love Poem

El amor no se olvida en una hora, ni un día.
Las memorias no se borran en una semana, ni un año.
Los sentimientos no pierden valor al pasado de un siglo.
El amor, cuando es amor real, dura una eternidad.

Y aunque mis sentimientos siempre me dejan siega,
no puedo pasar un segundo mas sin estar cerca de ti.
No paso un minuto sin pensar en ti.
No vivo una hora sin extrañar te,
ni un día sin amarte.

Hoy quiero decirte que lo siento.
Quiero decirte que todavía te amo,
que pienso en ti cada día que pasa.
Quiero decirte lo todo,
pero se que no puedo.
Porque, después de todo,
esas palabras me saben a mentiras.

Although lately I’ve been going through so much bullshit that I really shouldn’t be dealing with, even with all my recent drama, letting you go has been the most difficult thing I have EVER had to deal with and I’m done pretending to be okay. I’m tired of acting like such a hard ass about the whole thing when in reality I’m really just another brokenhearted girl with her head in the clouds. The fact is that I’m still not over you and I may never truly be over you, but one thing’s for sure-I’m tired of holding on to something that died a long time ago.

So I’m letting it go, all of it. Cutting all and any ties to the life I once had and fully embracing the new life I have now. They say that there’s a reason the people in your past didn’t make it to your future and the best thing you can do to keep walking and never look back. Easy to say-yes. Easy to do-not so much. But at least I’m brave enough to try and that, well that stands for something whether you believe it or not.

So here I go, feet in and head first.

Eight months of busting my ass to prove myself worthy of becoming a permanent fixture at the infamous NDN finally paid off. I became an official member of the gang as of Monday morning. So why does it still feel like something is missing?

I feel like I’m in one of hose transitional periods in life when you’re going through huge changes, but they’re happening very slowly. This new job is a huge deal for me and I am beyond words excited to finally be in a position where I can really show the world what I can do, but it’s still a little unnerving to finally have something you’ve worked so hard for. On the end, I’m moving once again. The difference is that this time, for the first time, I’m moving into a place completely on my own. No parents, no siblings and no definitely no boyfriends.

Am I excited about moving out alone? Well yeah, but I’m more excited about the independent new Jenny part much more than the looking for a new place and physically moving part. Those parts-not so fun. Not to mention that this is like the fourth time I’ve moved in the past year and a half. Let’s just say, it’s been an interesting few years.

Describing my like in one word right now – CHANGE. Not like change is a new thing for me, but I’m trying to make the changes in my life more meaningful lately. A very important step in doing that is taking control of MY life. I decided a while ago, September of 2009 to be exact, that I was going to stop putting myself in situations that gave other people the power to drastically change my circumstances. Maybe I had an epiphany, maybe I finally grew up or maybe somebody finally gave me a wake-up call. Call it what you want. All I know is that I went from finally feeling like I belonged to crying on the curb at LAX, in the midst of an emotional breakdown, with no idea how the hell I got there. Right then, that moment changed me forever.

So now, I embark on yet another new chapter in my life. One where I hope to explore, learn and love-every chance I get. And without fear or restrictions. From now on, it’s what I want and when I want. Hmm why do I feel like I’ve said this before? Oh yeah, this was my New Year’s resolution for 2011. Well, it’s better late than never.

It seems like when I was a kid my social life consisted of my family and…um well that’s about it. As a teenager, family was like totally uncool and when I first moved out, I only saw the fam on occasions that included food. Now, it’s like, if I make time to see them it’s always in portions. I never seem to hang out with more than a handful of relatives at a time which kind of sucks. So tonight, I’ve got most of the Lima’s under one roof and I have to admit…it’s kind of nice 🙂

I love you guys!!!!