Jennifer M Lima

Just Another Love Poem

El amor no se olvida en una hora, ni un día.
Las memorias no se borran en una semana, ni un año.
Los sentimientos no pierden valor al pasado de un siglo.
El amor, cuando es amor real, dura una eternidad.

Y aunque mis sentimientos siempre me dejan siega,
no puedo pasar un segundo mas sin estar cerca de ti.
No paso un minuto sin pensar en ti.
No vivo una hora sin extrañar te,
ni un día sin amarte.

Hoy quiero decirte que lo siento.
Quiero decirte que todavía te amo,
que pienso en ti cada día que pasa.
Quiero decirte lo todo,
pero se que no puedo.
Porque, después de todo,
esas palabras me saben a mentiras.

Although lately I’ve been going through so much bullshit that I really shouldn’t be dealing with, even with all my recent drama, letting you go has been the most difficult thing I have EVER had to deal with and I’m done pretending to be okay. I’m tired of acting like such a hard ass about the whole thing when in reality I’m really just another brokenhearted girl with her head in the clouds. The fact is that I’m still not over you and I may never truly be over you, but one thing’s for sure-I’m tired of holding on to something that died a long time ago.

So I’m letting it go, all of it. Cutting all and any ties to the life I once had and fully embracing the new life I have now. They say that there’s a reason the people in your past didn’t make it to your future and the best thing you can do to keep walking and never look back. Easy to say-yes. Easy to do-not so much. But at least I’m brave enough to try and that, well that stands for something whether you believe it or not.

So here I go, feet in and head first.

Eight months of busting my ass to prove myself worthy of becoming a permanent fixture at the infamous NDN finally paid off. I became an official member of the gang as of Monday morning. So why does it still feel like something is missing?

I feel like I’m in one of hose transitional periods in life when you’re going through huge changes, but they’re happening very slowly. This new job is a huge deal for me and I am beyond words excited to finally be in a position where I can really show the world what I can do, but it’s still a little unnerving to finally have something you’ve worked so hard for. On the end, I’m moving once again. The difference is that this time, for the first time, I’m moving into a place completely on my own. No parents, no siblings and no definitely no boyfriends.

Am I excited about moving out alone? Well yeah, but I’m more excited about the independent new Jenny part much more than the looking for a new place and physically moving part. Those parts-not so fun. Not to mention that this is like the fourth time I’ve moved in the past year and a half. Let’s just say, it’s been an interesting few years.

Describing my like in one word right now – CHANGE. Not like change is a new thing for me, but I’m trying to make the changes in my life more meaningful lately. A very important step in doing that is taking control of MY life. I decided a while ago, September of 2009 to be exact, that I was going to stop putting myself in situations that gave other people the power to drastically change my circumstances. Maybe I had an epiphany, maybe I finally grew up or maybe somebody finally gave me a wake-up call. Call it what you want. All I know is that I went from finally feeling like I belonged to crying on the curb at LAX, in the midst of an emotional breakdown, with no idea how the hell I got there. Right then, that moment changed me forever.

So now, I embark on yet another new chapter in my life. One where I hope to explore, learn and love-every chance I get. And without fear or restrictions. From now on, it’s what I want and when I want. Hmm why do I feel like I’ve said this before? Oh yeah, this was my New Year’s resolution for 2011. Well, it’s better late than never.

It seems like when I was a kid my social life consisted of my family and…um well that’s about it. As a teenager, family was like totally uncool and when I first moved out, I only saw the fam on occasions that included food. Now, it’s like, if I make time to see them it’s always in portions. I never seem to hang out with more than a handful of relatives at a time which kind of sucks. So tonight, I’ve got most of the Lima’s under one roof and I have to admit…it’s kind of nice 🙂

I love you guys!!!!

Forgiveness. A topic often up for debate. Is it really an essential part of growing up? Does it prove wisdom and maturity? Or, does it purely serve to prove that it’s  a part of human nature to crave the comfort of the familiar? No matter how shitty that familiar feeling may be? No matter what terribly hurtful thing that person may have done or how deep the betrayal, why we do we insist on forgiveness?

It’s almost hypocritical of me to even ask given how often people around me have forgiven me. But the fact that I make mistakes, doesn’t mean I lose the right to ask. Why the sudden curiosity with the inner working of forgiveness? Friendship, or better said, the death of a friendship.

We’ve had a roller coaster kind of experience since we met way back when in CP. A roller coaster, but a journey worth every bump. Our last fight. That’s what has me pondering the thoughts that leave me no answer. I miss you. Nobody gets me like you do. Not even close. Not having you in my life, even with all the drama, makes everything a little bit harder to get through. Still,missing you is something hard to admit because missing you makes me vulnerable. Open to another disappointment. Open to rejection. Pride can be a bitch huh?

I was reading over our letters tonight, wishing I was a big enough person to write you. To apologize. I saw that changed the password, can’t say I didn’t expect it but I don’t understand why. Because at the end of the day, we both did and said things that were uncalled for and whether or not you apologize doesn’t change the fact that I was wrong too. What can I say? The situation was the last place I wanted to find myself in my fragile state, at the time, and I did what I do best. I walked away. That doesn’t mean I didn’t care, and you of all people should know that. You were my partner in crime and I wish we could go back. Way back, before our lives got this complicated and egos came into play.

All this bullshit makes me wonder…are we fighting on the losing team by even trying to fight that need to forgive and forget when we can’t swallow our pride?

It’s truly amazing to me how far having a good Mother will take you. How obvious it can be in person when they have a strong woman in their corner. I was blessed with an amazing Mother. A woman, that throughout my life, has sacrificed, fought and bleed for me at every turning point. A woman whose never-ending love and faith in me has allowed me to grow into the strong, independent and opinionated young woman that I am today.

She has always been the person that I’ve admired the most with love and pure amazement. A woman who never allows the world to keep her down, teaching me the true meaning of feminine with every move she makes. Growing up, she created a world where I could express myself openly without fear or restraint. A place, that no matter where we lived, is always the same. I feeling I came to finally pin point this past weekend that I spent with her.

Crawling into bed, me the paranoid insomniac, I felt safe and protected as I quickly dozed off to sleep. Without tossing and turning or waking up all night long. This weekend has left me so well rested and feeling grounded, like just maybe, my life is actually turning out the way it should be…so thanks Mom. I owe you the world.

I love you.

It’s funny how quickly people can change without even realizing it. Maybe it’s an age thing. Maybe it’s just from experience. Or maybe it’s human nature. Whatever it may be, change is the only constant factor in any life. I’ve changed…more than I ever wanted to and I didn’t even have a choice.

I’m so different now than I was a few years ago that it’s kind of scary. I used to be so passionate about things. I argued. I protested. I wrote. Writing. It used to be my thing. More than my thing, it was who I was. It was my very soul down on paper. It used to flow to easily for me…like a song stuck in my head that my heart just knew. Now I struggle with it everyday and I don’t know how to get it back.

I started this website as an online portfolio for my writing. As something to show potential employers just how much I was capable of, but it turned into something else. I let the homepage be a blog, a blog that initially was only to showcase my struggles and triumphs within my career as a writer but then something happened. Life. I posted a deeply personal blog during a not so great day and it felt like relief. To be so public with my feelings, my joy, my pain…my life. So I posted another personal blog…and another and another.

Then something BIG happened. One decision,one moment that forever changed the course of my life. So I packed up my shit, bandaged up my severely dismantled heart and moved out West. An experience, that while difficult, changed me more than I could ever have imagined. The sad part is that somewhere in that year of ups and downs and East and West, I lost myself. I lost that connection to my soul. My wants. My needs. That connection that made me who I was.

The crazy thing is that now, things are falling together in my life in such a way that seems almost predetermined. The way I’m assuming life plays out for normal people, which if you’ve read any of my blogs, you would know that my life is anything but normal. But even now, with this new found stability and independent turn my life is taking, I have this insane urge to take the money I’ve responsibly put away as “emergency funds” and just go. Go somewhere I’ve never been and just explore the world. Take nothing but a backpack and cash and gain the kind of experiences that money could never buy you. I mean, I could consider the urgency of losing the very essence that is me in the “grownup world” as a major emergency which would then justify blowing my savings…I’m just saying. I think people could understand that. Right?

Moving on and moving forward is a part of life. We make new beginnings each and every day. Some big, some small, some are quick and easy while others take time. Change is an unavoidable force of life that comes at you fast and without warning. Sometimes changes are obviously for the better, but most of the time, the urge to resist change is so automatic that we unknowingly complicate an otherwise simple situation. That, dear friends, tends to be the story of my life. Complicated in the simplest ways.

An example of a simple, yet necessary, change is the fact that we shouldn’t be friends. We’re both all too aware of the consequences of maintaining  a friendship and you know it’s not good. It really doesn’t benefit either of us in any way…but still. Knowing that doesn’t change the fact that I still pick up the phone because the truth of the matter is that I come alive with you. My heart flutters and a feeling of sheer intensity comes over me in a way that I’ve never experienced with anyone else. But hey, maybe 2011 will change that.

This time, as the new year rolled in, I decided not to make my usual 12 mundane resolutions. So I made just 1 resolution for 2011, to spend the next 365 days of my life being the most selfish person on the planet. Not your usual resolution, I know. That was the point. I’ve spent so much time agonizing over the choices I’ve made  in my short 24 years and not because of the outcomes, but because of how the people around me have reacted and felt as a result. Don’t get me wrong, some of my choices have been wrong and have ultimately hurt those that I love, but that wasn’t always the case.

So this year will consist of 365 days of Jenny. A full year of indulging in any and everything I have the slightest interest in. My motto this year is “why the hell not?”

I have had the most amazing past few days working with the Naples International Film Festival. More amazing than I could possibly imagine. Not only are the people that are involved some of the most passionate, dedicated and genius individuals I’ve ever met, but the Independent Films and Filmmakers involved were pretty great too.

NIFF, a festival in it’s 2nd year, is truly a much needed dose of free flowing creativity and support. It’s undoubtedly one of the those things that people will look back on in a few years and realize what a huge stepping stone it was in their creative careers.

I’m currently wrapping up my “behind the scenes” take on the festival and it’s exceptional supporters. It’s a series of articles from a very different kind of angle. I’ll post it as soon as it’s finalized! Oh and I almost forgot, on top of having the pleasure of meeting and hanging out with some pretty incredible people, I had the opportunity to interview a man I am personally a huge fan of. An actor, director and pure visionary. Who is this person? You’ll have to wait and see 😉

Here are a few words on the mystery that is love from my baby sister. Maybe I won’t be the only writer in my generation, ya never know 😉

“Love is like a journey, and if you haven’t gone on a journey than what’s love to you?”

-Andrea Lima