To forgive or not to forgive?

Forgiveness. A topic often up for debate. Is it really an essential part of growing up? Does it prove wisdom and maturity? Or, does it purely serve to prove that it’s  a part of human nature to crave the comfort of the familiar? No matter how shitty that familiar feeling may be? No matter what terribly hurtful thing that person may have done or how deep the betrayal, why we do we insist on forgiveness?

It’s almost hypocritical of me to even ask given how often people around me have forgiven me. But the fact that I make mistakes, doesn’t mean I lose the right to ask. Why the sudden curiosity with the inner working of forgiveness? Friendship, or better said, the death of a friendship.

We’ve had a roller coaster kind of experience since we met way back when in CP. A roller coaster, but a journey worth every bump. Our last fight. That’s what has me pondering the thoughts that leave me no answer. I miss you. Nobody gets me like you do. Not even close. Not having you in my life, even with all the drama, makes everything a little bit harder to get through. Still,missing you is something hard to admit because missing you makes me vulnerable. Open to another disappointment. Open to rejection. Pride can be a bitch huh?

I was reading over our letters tonight, wishing I was a big enough person to write you. To apologize. I saw that changed the password, can’t say I didn’t expect it but I don’t understand why. Because at the end of the day, we both did and said things that were uncalled for and whether or not you apologize doesn’t change the fact that I was wrong too. What can I say? The situation was the last place I wanted to find myself in my fragile state, at the time, and I did what I do best. I walked away. That doesn’t mean I didn’t care, and you of all people should know that. You were my partner in crime and I wish we could go back. Way back, before our lives got this complicated and egos came into play.

All this bullshit makes me wonder…are we fighting on the losing team by even trying to fight that need to forgive and forget when we can’t swallow our pride?

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