Category Archives: Blog Post

Forgiveness. A topic often up for debate. Is it really an essential part of growing up? Does it prove wisdom and maturity? Or, does it purely serve to prove that it’s  a part of human nature to crave the comfort of the familiar? No matter how shitty that familiar feeling may be? No matter what terribly hurtful thing that person may have done or how deep the betrayal, why we do we insist on forgiveness?

It’s almost hypocritical of me to even ask given how often people around me have forgiven me. But the fact that I make mistakes, doesn’t mean I lose the right to ask. Why the sudden curiosity with the inner working of forgiveness? Friendship, or better said, the death of a friendship.

We’ve had a roller coaster kind of experience since we met way back when in CP. A roller coaster, but a journey worth every bump. Our last fight. That’s what has me pondering the thoughts that leave me no answer. I miss you. Nobody gets me like you do. Not even close. Not having you in my life, even with all the drama, makes everything a little bit harder to get through. Still,missing you is something hard to admit because missing you makes me vulnerable. Open to another disappointment. Open to rejection. Pride can be a bitch huh?

I was reading over our letters tonight, wishing I was a big enough person to write you. To apologize. I saw that changed the password, can’t say I didn’t expect it but I don’t understand why. Because at the end of the day, we both did and said things that were uncalled for and whether or not you apologize doesn’t change the fact that I was wrong too. What can I say? The situation was the last place I wanted to find myself in my fragile state, at the time, and I did what I do best. I walked away. That doesn’t mean I didn’t care, and you of all people should know that. You were my partner in crime and I wish we could go back. Way back, before our lives got this complicated and egos came into play.

All this bullshit makes me wonder…are we fighting on the losing team by even trying to fight that need to forgive and forget when we can’t swallow our pride?

It’s truly amazing to me how far having a good Mother will take you. How obvious it can be in person when they have a strong woman in their corner. I was blessed with an amazing Mother. A woman, that throughout my life, has sacrificed, fought and bleed for me at every turning point. A woman whose never-ending love and faith in me has allowed me to grow into the strong, independent and opinionated young woman that I am today.

She has always been the person that I’ve admired the most with love and pure amazement. A woman who never allows the world to keep her down, teaching me the true meaning of feminine with every move she makes. Growing up, she created a world where I could express myself openly without fear or restraint. A place, that no matter where we lived, is always the same. I feeling I came to finally pin point this past weekend that I spent with her.

Crawling into bed, me the paranoid insomniac, I felt safe and protected as I quickly dozed off to sleep. Without tossing and turning or waking up all night long. This weekend has left me so well rested and feeling grounded, like just maybe, my life is actually turning out the way it should be…so thanks Mom. I owe you the world.

I love you.

It’s funny how quickly people can change without even realizing it. Maybe it’s an age thing. Maybe it’s just from experience. Or maybe it’s human nature. Whatever it may be, change is the only constant factor in any life. I’ve changed…more than I ever wanted to and I didn’t even have a choice.

I’m so different now than I was a few years ago that it’s kind of scary. I used to be so passionate about things. I argued. I protested. I wrote. Writing. It used to be my thing. More than my thing, it was who I was. It was my very soul down on paper. It used to flow to easily for me…like a song stuck in my head that my heart just knew. Now I struggle with it everyday and I don’t know how to get it back.

I started this website as an online portfolio for my writing. As something to show potential employers just how much I was capable of, but it turned into something else. I let the homepage be a blog, a blog that initially was only to showcase my struggles and triumphs within my career as a writer but then something happened. Life. I posted a deeply personal blog during a not so great day and it felt like relief. To be so public with my feelings, my joy, my pain…my life. So I posted another personal blog…and another and another.

Then something BIG happened. One decision,one moment that forever changed the course of my life. So I packed up my shit, bandaged up my severely dismantled heart and moved out West. An experience, that while difficult, changed me more than I could ever have imagined. The sad part is that somewhere in that year of ups and downs and East and West, I lost myself. I lost that connection to my soul. My wants. My needs. That connection that made me who I was.

The crazy thing is that now, things are falling together in my life in such a way that seems almost predetermined. The way I’m assuming life plays out for normal people, which if you’ve read any of my blogs, you would know that my life is anything but normal. But even now, with this new found stability and independent turn my life is taking, I have this insane urge to take the money I’ve responsibly put away as “emergency funds” and just go. Go somewhere I’ve never been and just explore the world. Take nothing but a backpack and cash and gain the kind of experiences that money could never buy you. I mean, I could consider the urgency of losing the very essence that is me in the “grownup world” as a major emergency which would then justify blowing my savings…I’m just saying. I think people could understand that. Right?

Moving on and moving forward is a part of life. We make new beginnings each and every day. Some big, some small, some are quick and easy while others take time. Change is an unavoidable force of life that comes at you fast and without warning. Sometimes changes are obviously for the better, but most of the time, the urge to resist change is so automatic that we unknowingly complicate an otherwise simple situation. That, dear friends, tends to be the story of my life. Complicated in the simplest ways.

An example of a simple, yet necessary, change is the fact that we shouldn’t be friends. We’re both all too aware of the consequences of maintaining  a friendship and you know it’s not good. It really doesn’t benefit either of us in any way…but still. Knowing that doesn’t change the fact that I still pick up the phone because the truth of the matter is that I come alive with you. My heart flutters and a feeling of sheer intensity comes over me in a way that I’ve never experienced with anyone else. But hey, maybe 2011 will change that.

This time, as the new year rolled in, I decided not to make my usual 12 mundane resolutions. So I made just 1 resolution for 2011, to spend the next 365 days of my life being the most selfish person on the planet. Not your usual resolution, I know. That was the point. I’ve spent so much time agonizing over the choices I’ve made  in my short 24 years and not because of the outcomes, but because of how the people around me have reacted and felt as a result. Don’t get me wrong, some of my choices have been wrong and have ultimately hurt those that I love, but that wasn’t always the case.

So this year will consist of 365 days of Jenny. A full year of indulging in any and everything I have the slightest interest in. My motto this year is “why the hell not?”

I have had the most amazing past few days working with the Naples International Film Festival. More amazing than I could possibly imagine. Not only are the people that are involved some of the most passionate, dedicated and genius individuals I’ve ever met, but the Independent Films and Filmmakers involved were pretty great too.

NIFF, a festival in it’s 2nd year, is truly a much needed dose of free flowing creativity and support. It’s undoubtedly one of the those things that people will look back on in a few years and realize what a huge stepping stone it was in their creative careers.

I’m currently wrapping up my “behind the scenes” take on the festival and it’s exceptional supporters. It’s a series of articles from a very different kind of angle. I’ll post it as soon as it’s finalized! Oh and I almost forgot, on top of having the pleasure of meeting and hanging out with some pretty incredible people, I had the opportunity to interview a man I am personally a huge fan of. An actor, director and pure visionary. Who is this person? You’ll have to wait and see 😉

Here are a few words on the mystery that is love from my baby sister. Maybe I won’t be the only writer in my generation, ya never know 😉

“Love is like a journey, and if you haven’t gone on a journey than what’s love to you?”

-Andrea Lima

Sometimes life comes at you fast. Sometimes you look up to find yourself in the craziest possible situations…and all you can do is wonder how the f%@k you got there.

Most of the time, you probably know. You know the exact moment you made that unthinkable decision to go for it. That first step in the wrong direction you knew would backfire eventually. And here you are.

Stuck in the moment.

I was there a few days ago and I decided to stop and smell the flowers. I took a very big step in changing the course of my life. I bought myself a car. Now, that may not be a big deal for most people, but for me-it’s HUGE. Not the fact that I bought a car, but the fact that I did it on my own. Without borrowing money from anyone else. Just me. I scrimped and saved for months and this was the pay-off.

So a few days ago, I decided to slow it down a bit and enjoy my life, one day at a time.

Cause life, it always comes at you fast…and when you least expect it.

With all the unexpected changes that have taken place throughout the last 2 years of my life, I think it’s time to admit that I’ve hit a wall. A big one. A wall that I can’t bullshit my way past or ignore like I normally do. Apparently, at this point, I’m actually expected to learn from it and grow up. At least that’s what people keep telling me.

The problem is, I’m not just not really sure what to do with myself. I mean I know that everyone says to just be “true to you” but what does that mean really? I mean think about it, for the most part as humans, desire is in our nature. So most people, while they may not admit it, are completely selfish in one way or another. In which case, being true to just you is like saying f*%k everyone else and for the record that doesn’t exactly add up to a great life.

Now, as adults, what are you supposed to do when the one thing you want the most in this world is the last thing you need in your life? It’s like drinking the poison, even though you know it’s poison, just because you like the taste. Or going mountain climbing when you know you’re afraid of heights.

Do you just throw caution to the wind and kick yourself when it blows up in you face. Again.

So this wall, I keep feeling like I need to knock it down but I know it’s gonna hurt. Instead, I’m standing in front of it. Thinking. Planning. Scratching that plan. Thinking some more. And now I can’t help but feel that the only thing that’s going to make a difference in how I feel is another big dramatic gesture.

You know, like when quit my job, turned down a scholarship, moved out of my ex’s house and bought a one-way ticket to LA…all within 30 days.

That kind of big dramatic gesture.

They say that true wisdom comes with age. The older you are, the wiser you are…either from experience or just life. But it’s so sad to see people that just don’t seem to get it. People that, given some of their f**ked up life experiences, still fail to see what really matters in life.

I used to care about those people. I used to think, why can’t they see it? I used to feel bad for them, I mean literally feel  an ache in my chest when I would see them alone. But I realized that some people you just can’t help. Some people are born to live out their days alone with nothing left but their guilt. Now, instead of wasting my thoughts and feelings on those sad people, I focus on those that really matter. And I am more and more grateful for those special people every day.

For those people and still haven’t learned, they better pray for some divine intervention before Karma makes its rounds.

What goes around comes around.

It’s something you always hear people say, but do you ever really believe it? What’s to say you’ll pay for it in this lifetime? What’s to say it will ever come back around in any lifetime?

Sometimes it’s a subtle thing, maybe you miss or maybe you learn. But sometimes, sometimes it’s a hard kick in the chest. Sometimes Karma comes around with such an intensity that you have no choice but to learn. Those are the lessons you keep with you, those are the moments that change the course of your life forever.

I haven’t had many of those life changing moments, but I had one today. For the first time, I felt connected to people whose lives were affected by my choices in the past. People that weren’t exactly a part of my life, but I impacted theirs none the less.

I realized that there are things in my past that I’ve done, things that I justified by telling myself that it wasn’t my fault, hurt people anyways. That people got hurt without even understanding why or how?

Today, I was that girl, that girl from my past whose heartache I brushed off telling myself she deserved it. Convincing myself that she should have known better than to put herself in that situation. It turns, although we probably should know better, sometimes we still stumble.

Sometimes, the fall is just unavoidable and sometimes it hurts for no good reason.