With all the unexpected changes that have taken place throughout the last 2 years of my life, I think it’s time to admit that I’ve hit a wall. A big one. A wall that I can’t bullshit my way past or ignore like I normally do. Apparently, at this point, I’m actually expected to learn from it and grow up. At least that’s what people keep telling me.
The problem is, I’m not just not really sure what to do with myself. I mean I know that everyone says to just be “true to you” but what does that mean really? I mean think about it, for the most part as humans, desire is in our nature. So most people, while they may not admit it, are completely selfish in one way or another. In which case, being true to just you is like saying f*%k everyone else and for the record that doesn’t exactly add up to a great life.
Now, as adults, what are you supposed to do when the one thing you want the most in this world is the last thing you need in your life? It’s like drinking the poison, even though you know it’s poison, just because you like the taste. Or going mountain climbing when you know you’re afraid of heights.
Do you just throw caution to the wind and kick yourself when it blows up in you face. Again.
So this wall, I keep feeling like I need to knock it down but I know it’s gonna hurt. Instead, I’m standing in front of it. Thinking. Planning. Scratching that plan. Thinking some more. And now I can’t help but feel that the only thing that’s going to make a difference in how I feel is another big dramatic gesture.
You know, like when quit my job, turned down a scholarship, moved out of my ex’s house and bought a one-way ticket to LA…all within 30 days.
That kind of big dramatic gesture.
Jennifer M Lima 