Monthly Archives: January 2012

A Closeness You Don’t Forget

There’s something to be said about someone who you can connect with in an intimate kind of way. As you get older, relationships get so complicated and careers becoming so demanding and time becomes so scarce that those connections happen less and less. I feel like, when you’re young and in love, you love so openly. You love with everything you’ve got. I mean you give everything you’ve got, which is probably why your first real heartbreak is so earth-shatteringly painful.

For me, my first love was a relationship that started in high school and lasted well into my twenties. I gave him my heart, my trust, I even gave him my virginity and agreed to marry him. But there was something I could never give him, my forever. We never did walk down that aisle, and not because he didn’t try to make it happen, it’s just that even the thought of that kind of commitment shook me to the core. I would literally feel my throat closing up and my heart racing as a sense of panic radiated through my bones whenever I thought about it. But still, when it ended, I was destroyed.

For most of the relationship, I’d maintained this you don’t own me attitude. Just because I was a woman, to me, did not automatically mean I would clean, cook or take care of a man. Don’t get me wrong, there was a lot that I did do for him, but I just couldn’t do what was expected. Except for that last year. That last year together, I changed. I started cooking dinner, I backed down from arguments (even when I was right),I cleaned more and I was supportive. Very supportive. So when it ended, not only did I not feel like myself anymore, but I had never imagined that anything could hurt that badly.

I assume it could be compared to the pain you feel when someone shoots you. It’d sudden, extremely painful and even after the bullet is removed, the healing process is often difficult. Then, after everything, you’re left with a scar or sometimes, bullet fragments, that you will have to carry around with you forever.

The point is, and I did have a point, that once you’ve healed from a heartbreak and the love and the pain are no longer there…you can still have a connection. You may not realize it or feel it often, but if you clicked sexually, you have a connection. You may wake up sweaty from a realistic dream and long for that person. Memories of those moments might creep into your mind and make you feel a sudden urge to see them again.

People always say that you don’t forget your first love, that as the years go by, you always feel a little something for that person. But is it really love that lingers? Or is it just a lust for the sexually charged moments you shared at a young age?

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Awkward is my specialty

So today was pretty interesting…

I recently took on a new role at work where I’m in charge of our company events and our first event is coming up fast. I’ve gone through the motions or transitioning into this new role, meeting people and trying to get them to actually take me seriously. Who knew people twice my age would have such a hard take me seriously.

Anyways, today was the first luncheon I took lead on for our upcoming event. This luncheon consisted of some pretty important people in my community including CEO’s and VP’s of major hospitals. So how did it go?

Well, for starters I had a few hiccups setting up for the luncheon, including getting shooed out of the room I was having it in 20 minutes before it was supposed to start. Then, we finally got set up and people started to arrive and well…eat.I take my place, set down my binder and water bottle and sit down. I get a little thirsty, so I reach for my water bottle and for some insane reason, I smack it down and knock over a cup of iced tea. Not just any cup, it’s one of the CEO’s iced tea and it spills all over the table, his pens, his glasses and of course his fancy keys. Awesome. I frantically clean it up as the room goes silent and get ready for our panel.

So I finally get up, ready to give my welcome speech and the words fail me. I can’t remember what I was going to say. Luckily, I had a print out of my speech, unfortunately as I stood tall and with my eyes glued down to my paper as I read…it was like a shy kid in grade school. I skipped sentences, spoke fast and made ZERO eye contact. But the show went on without anymore issues, at least not from me.

Not so bad for my first intro huh?

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Oh no, 2012 is a voting year

I have never voted for a president of the United States. Not for Bush. Not for Obama.

I don’t vote because I believe that the people that are in power, remain in power. You’re just voting for the face, the image of a campaign. Ultimately, the voting process is just an illusion, making the people believe that they actually have a choice. Kind of like having privacy, you think you have it, but you don’t. Every move you make is clocked. Everything you say, write, draw, photograph or even sing is clocked. A constant record of your life, at the fingertips of people that may someday label you just another casualty of war. Even Facebook, Twitter and other social media avenues work against you. I mean seriously people, could we possibly make it any easier? Why are we so quick to share our thoughts, fears and locations but still show hate to those that differ from us?

I don’t generally talk about politics, but today…it’s just on my mind. My Great-Grandfather was a General in World War II, my Grandfather fought in Vietnam and still…with all these wars…what have we really accomplished? What did we really win? Freedom?

Anyways, I didn’t vote before (although I did like Obama) and I’m not going to vote now either.

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