When you ended it, I felt such an intense sadness that seemed to radiate down to my very bones. It was an emotional and physical pain that reached me on a soul level. Still, at the same time, when I realized you were serious. When I realized that you meant every cruel word that was coming out of your once heavenly lips. My entire world came crashing down on me, it crashed in a way that I didn’t even know was possible. It felt like I had build my castle with sand instead of bricks and you were my tsunami.
At that very moment, I let go of all the things that I had been holding onto so dearly. I let go of us. Of our dreams. Our goals. Our life together. In that moment, through my heartbreak, I knew that you were right. I knew that we were only holding each other back. Whether or not we loved each other was not the issue. We just weren’t meant to be. Maybe we never were…we just happened.
After that, I pushed all those feelings I had for you…my love, my pain, my sadness. I pushed them deep into myself. I hid them and locked them away where they could never get to me again. I thought this was for the best, you know to just put it behind me and quit cold turkey. So I did what I always do. I wiped away my tears, packed my bags and moved on. Well, I moved 3,000 miles away to be exact, but that was my point. To be far away, thinking that if I was far we could both have a fighting chance at having a new life.
And at first, it felt right. You were right, a huge part of me wanted to be in LA and I would have resented you for it if I had stayed. For that, I thank you. If I’ve learned anything from all this, it’s that you have to follow your heart. Always. When you think about something too much, you will always convince yourself to do what other people think is right for you. The mind is a tricky thing, and the reality of it is that no one knows what is best for you better than you. I had to learn this the hard way.
The problem? Well I didn’t exactly deal with the break-up, I just pushed it aside and kept busy. Now that I’m here and settled and not so busy, I seem to find my mind wandering back to those days. If that isn’t bad enough, I can’t feel anything about it. Which just annoys me because I can’t stop thinking about it either. Have I pushed it so deep that I turned myself cold? Was the pain so bad that I won’t allow myself to feel it? What really scares me is that when I do get sad and my eyes start to water, I snap out of it…whether I want to or not. I never had trouble letting myself get emotional, until now.
In all honesty, it makes me nervous that I have no control over these feelings. What’s going to happen when I love someone else? Will that new love push me over the edge? I don’t expect you to have the answers, I just need my feelings to be heard. Known. Understood. Felt.
By someone other than me.