Monthly Archives: October 2009

Take it from someone who has been, for the most part, unemployed for the past year. There is only so much to occupy your time with in the world.

At first, I slept. Naturally I realized how exhausted I was from full-time work and school. You may not notice right away, but it takes a toll on you. Then I wrote, caught up on my creativity. Got my juices flowing again. I painted. I drew. I even started making jewelry and set-up an online store.

I spent more time sleeping. I caught up on my pop culture and watched way too much television. I also spent way too much time with boyfriend at the time. Who was and is also unemployed. So not only did we live together, now we were both home. A lot. Needless to say, we got on each other’s nerves.

So now I’m in a new city, one which I have been blissfully exploring for the past month. And since I was ten years old as well. A city that I have loved since I first laid eyes on it. A place that feels like home. The only drawback? I don’t really have anything to do…at least not most of the time. I feel like I need a plan. A list of some sort. A do-to list would be ideal actually. It would give me something to do and a way to organize myself.

That’s funny. Organize what? What is it that I feel the need to organize? All my free time perhaps? I’m starting to think that this lack of activity is getting to me. Let’s see what kind of list I can come up with…any ideas?

When I was a child, I would dream of all the things I could be when I grew up I wanted to be a Veterinarian, but couldn’t watch animals die and well I didn’t like cleaning up after them either. I was going to a big time actress on Broadway, I always had a passion for the dramatic arts and loved being onstage. I’m not really sure why I didn’t stick to that, I had some trouble with my body image and lost my courage. I even wanted to be a Marine Biologist and live on a secluded island studying the marine life. That one still appeals to me actually.

Needless to say I changed my mind a lot. If it was up to me I would have a million different careers and love all of them. One day, in my high school English class, my teacher Mrs. Court asked me what I wanted to do after high school. I mean it was always a given that I would go to college, there was no doubt of that. But what would I study? If I had to choose one thing to do for the rest of my life…what would it be?

After thinking about it, the last thing I wanted was some day job I hated to be my future, I concluded that I loved to write. It was the only thing of my endless hobbies that I hadn’t out grown. I had never really thought that I would write for a living and actually make a career out of it. Mrs. Court told me that I could be a Journalist. How glamorous right? Me? A Journalist? My words? Published for the world to see?

She also recommended several colleges that were known for their journalism programs, but life got complicated and I stayed home and attended the local college. The thing was that from that day on, the day I decided to be a Journalist, there was never a doubt in my mind that it was the right choice for me. Don’t get me wrong, like any college student I considered other areas of study, but also as an addition to journalism. Never replacing it.

Until now. For the first time in 7 years I’m actually reconsidering my decision. I still love writing and continue use my words as my most effective form of communication. After all it is what I am, a writer. Words are my drug of choice. I have yet to find a better way to change my words than by writing. What I am thinking about it whether or not I want it as a career. I mean, I write because it makes me feel good, it allows me to clear my head and heart. It’s just that over the past year, I find myself struggling to write an article. I’m fine doing the research, preparing an interview and love attending the events and meeting the people.

The issue comes after. When I sit down at my computer and put it all together. It’s not that I can’t find the words…it seems I don’t want to. At first I thought maybe I was just having some writers block, there has been a lot going on in my life lately and I’m just dealing. But what if it’s not? Maybe it’s just the pressure…could it be a self esteem issue?

I’m just not so sure anymore….

Okay so not all of them generate deep thoughts and theories. I mean I’m not going to watch Transformers and convince myself that alien robots are coming to take over the planet and commence a full on war between themselves. That’s a bit much.

But other films, like Knowing, do raise quite a few thoughts into this head of mine. If you’ve seen it, I can’t imagine that the film did not make you think, so I’m assuming we are on the same page here. If you have not seen it, the basic idea of it is that all major catastrophes in the world are premeditated. Kind of like destiny, that all things happen for a reason or a greater purpose…the kind that reveals itself at a later date. That they cannot be stopped or avoided in anyway, regardless or who you are. What is meant to be will ultimately be.

So in the film, angels come down to earth to warn us of these events through numbers. They are sent to try and salvage the human race from extinction, the final event in the number sequence is the Sun releasing these fireballs that will destroy all living things on Earth. The thing is they only warn a select number of children. Children which they plan to take to another planet. A planet where they can start over and all will not be lost.

Although the film is more of a sci-fi thriller than anything, it has its tear jerking moments where a sap like myself ended up bawling my eyes out. I’m such a sucker for goodbyes

All of this made me think, what if we really don’t have any control of where our lives are going? I mean I know ultimately as human beings, we have free will…well as much as the government permits that is. But what if our choices were limited? Limited in the way that if we were supposed to end of in a specific city, things would happen that would leave us with no other option than to go to that city. How much control do you really have?

Like if you are meant to be in a relationship with someone in particular for whatever reason…karma, destiny, fate…but for some reason you choose to fight it. Wouldn’t it find a way regardless of what you wanted? For example, people who have trouble having children and then they break up and suddenly they have kids. Could it just be that you weren’t meant to have children with that person?

It’s the same with death. I am a firm believer that what is meant to be will be. Always. So if I’m going to die on a Tuesday and I decide that I will stay locked inside my house every Tuesday because I don’t want to die…am I really doing anything? How many people die in their houses? Or have freak accidents happen, like a car crashing through your living room? Is it fate or just coincidence?

I think fate. So I say, Live each day like your last. Never leave for tomorrow what you can do today. And be good to the people you love, you never know how long you will have them.

Today is a gift and tomorrow is never promised.