I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it…
I know I have bad habits, just like I have good habits. But I never really thought about how I was used to being treated. That was never something I really thought of as a habit, until recently. If you go an extended period of time, years, being treated a certain way. Having someone react to your own little habits in a bad way, there comes a point where you become to accustomed to that kind of treatment that you unknowingly hold yourself back.
I was watching TV with a good friend not too long ago, it was late and I was a little tired. All I wanted to do was lay back and get a little close. Something that a handful of years ago would have come totally naturally to me and I would have snuggled up without any hesitation. But now, now I second guess myself and I worry about the reaction. Why? So instead, I sat there. Stiff and awkward, miles away in his bed.
I’ve become so closed off and cautious about human contact…it’s weird. What’s weirder is that it doesn’t happen all the time, but it always happens at the absolute worst possible moment and I freeze. Maybe I need to have like a hug session. I need someone to pull me close and just cuddle me to death. Or I could start walking around with a sign that says “Free Hugs”until I get back to my touchy, feely self.