I’ve never been big on Valentine’s Day, not even when I was part of a couple. In my opinion, if you love someone, you show them year round and not just on one day. I feel like V day is just another cop-out for lazy people in relationships that believe they can make up for their lack of effort with dinner, flowers and a cheesy gift. Since society seems to accept it, maybe they can. Unfortunately, I don’t work that way.
This year, my V day was pretty casual. I had lunch with friends, exchanged a few cards with co-workers and decided to finally use the gift certificate I was given way back when and get a massage.
To be clear, this was my first massage EVER. I was a little nervous, you know massages require quite a bit of touching and I’m not sure how I feel about a stranger doing that much touching. So anyways, I called up a local massage place and booked my appointment. I explained that this was my first time and I was a little nervous. They asked me if I had any problem areas and I explained that my job was very stressful and I had a lot of knots and tension in my shoulders as well as the base of my neck. At that point, the nice man on the phone said “Great! I have just the guy for you, he’s an expert in those areas.” I was relieved to hear this and thought that maybe a massage is just what I needed.
So, I arrive at the massage place and start filling out the paperwork. I knew the massage therapist was an older man since the man on the phone informed me that he had more than 20 years of experience. As I was waiting, an older man comes out to greet his next client and I thought, “okay, he looks nice…this is gonna be so bad.” But he wasn’t there for me. A little while later, a “little man”(I’m not really sure of the proper term and in no way mean to offend anyone) comes out to greet his client. I’m his client. I don’t personally have much experience interacting with little people but I smile, shake his hand and try extremely hard to hide the shock on my face.
We go into the back room and he asks me to strip and lay on the bed face up, not exactly the words I thought I would ever hear from a little man and especially not on V day. Still, I smile and oblige. As I’m laying there, naked under the sheets with the exception of my undies, I’m wondering how he actually plans to massage me on such a high table. He then comes back in the room, dims the lights, puts on soft music and hits a button that lowers the table very, very close to the floor.
He then begins to massage my shoulders and neck. But as he lifts my head to slide his hands underneath, I slightly panic. I start thinking, “oh no, my head is going to be too heavy on this poor mans’ hands.” So, I struggle to hold my head just lightly on his hands as he massages me. All the while, he is asking me questions about my life like whether or not I like what I do for a living, why did I move to Naples, where did I live before, do I miss it, do I like it here in Naples, and on, and on, and on. He has also taken it upon himself to tell me about his life, where he grew up, how long he’s lived here in Naples, places he wants to visit, and on, and on, and on. This causes me to get a cramp in my neck and ultimately makes this part of the massage painful and uncomfortable.
Once he finishes, he moves on to my hands, arms, feet and legs. At this point I decide to just close my eyes and stop talking. I try to forget about the odd situation I’m in and just take in the massage. Unfortunately, my immaturity gets the best of me as his hands start moving up and down my leg and thigh coming very close to the only part of me that is actually clothed and so, I start to giggle. I giggle each time his hand goes a bit too far up. I wish I could say that I regained self-control, but I did not and I refused to open my eyes and see his reaction.
After that, he asked me to turn over. At which point, I assumed he would leave the room. But he didn’t Instead he stood there holding up the sheet as I turned, making me even more nervous to the point where I almost fell off the table and fully exposed myself to him. Without another word, I shoved my face into the hole on the table as he started massaging my back. Ah my back. Just when I thought nothing else could possibly make this worse, I heard scurried little footsteps around my head as he massaged one side of my back and then the other, somewhat simultaneously. At one point, I’m pretty sure I felt him get up on my table and lean his knee into my side. This went on for about another 15 minutes.
Then it was over. He walked out. I got dressed wondering what the f*%k had just happened and I left. I’d say,for my first massage, it was definitely unforgettable. Wouldn’t you?
One response to “I could not make this shit up if I tried…”
Yes, I would.