Forgiveness. A topic often up for debate. Is it really an essential part of growing up? Does it prove wisdom and maturity? Or, does it purely serve to prove that it’s a part of human nature to crave the comfort of the familiar? No matter how shitty that familiar feeling may be? No matter what terribly hurtful thing that person may have done or how deep the betrayal, why we do we insist on forgiveness?
It’s almost hypocritical of me to even ask given how often people around me have forgiven me. But the fact that I make mistakes, doesn’t mean I lose the right to ask. Why the sudden curiosity with the inner working of forgiveness? Friendship, or better said, the death of a friendship.
We’ve had a roller coaster kind of experience since we met way back when in CP. A roller coaster, but a journey worth every bump. Our last fight. That’s what has me pondering the thoughts that leave me no answer. I miss you. Nobody gets me like you do. Not even close. Not having you in my life, even with all the drama, makes everything a little bit harder to get through. Still,missing you is something hard to admit because missing you makes me vulnerable. Open to another disappointment. Open to rejection. Pride can be a bitch huh?
I was reading over our letters tonight, wishing I was a big enough person to write you. To apologize. I saw that changed the password, can’t say I didn’t expect it but I don’t understand why. Because at the end of the day, we both did and said things that were uncalled for and whether or not you apologize doesn’t change the fact that I was wrong too. What can I say? The situation was the last place I wanted to find myself in my fragile state, at the time, and I did what I do best. I walked away. That doesn’t mean I didn’t care, and you of all people should know that. You were my partner in crime and I wish we could go back. Way back, before our lives got this complicated and egos came into play.
All this bullshit makes me wonder…are we fighting on the losing team by even trying to fight that need to forgive and forget when we can’t swallow our pride?
It’s truly amazing to me how far having a good Mother will take you. How obvious it can be in person when they have a strong woman in their corner. I was blessed with an amazing Mother. A woman, that throughout my life, has sacrificed, fought and bleed for me at every turning point. A woman whose never-ending love and faith in me has allowed me to grow into the strong, independent and opinionated young woman that I am today.
She has always been the person that I’ve admired the most with love and pure amazement. A woman who never allows the world to keep her down, teaching me the true meaning of feminine with every move she makes. Growing up, she created a world where I could express myself openly without fear or restraint. A place, that no matter where we lived, is always the same. I feeling I came to finally pin point this past weekend that I spent with her.
Crawling into bed, me the paranoid insomniac, I felt safe and protected as I quickly dozed off to sleep. Without tossing and turning or waking up all night long. This weekend has left me so well rested and feeling grounded, like just maybe, my life is actually turning out the way it should be…so thanks Mom. I owe you the world.
I love you.
It’s funny how quickly people can change without even realizing it. Maybe it’s an age thing. Maybe it’s just from experience. Or maybe it’s human nature. Whatever it may be, change is the only constant factor in any life. I’ve changed…more than I ever wanted to and I didn’t even have a choice.
I’m so different now than I was a few years ago that it’s kind of scary. I used to be so passionate about things. I argued. I protested. I wrote. Writing. It used to be my thing. More than my thing, it was who I was. It was my very soul down on paper. It used to flow to easily for me…like a song stuck in my head that my heart just knew. Now I struggle with it everyday and I don’t know how to get it back.
I started this website as an online portfolio for my writing. As something to show potential employers just how much I was capable of, but it turned into something else. I let the homepage be a blog, a blog that initially was only to showcase my struggles and triumphs within my career as a writer but then something happened. Life. I posted a deeply personal blog during a not so great day and it felt like relief. To be so public with my feelings, my joy, my pain…my life. So I posted another personal blog…and another and another.
Then something BIG happened. One decision,one moment that forever changed the course of my life. So I packed up my shit, bandaged up my severely dismantled heart and moved out West. An experience, that while difficult, changed me more than I could ever have imagined. The sad part is that somewhere in that year of ups and downs and East and West, I lost myself. I lost that connection to my soul. My wants. My needs. That connection that made me who I was.
The crazy thing is that now, things are falling together in my life in such a way that seems almost predetermined. The way I’m assuming life plays out for normal people, which if you’ve read any of my blogs, you would know that my life is anything but normal. But even now, with this new found stability and independent turn my life is taking, I have this insane urge to take the money I’ve responsibly put away as “emergency funds” and just go. Go somewhere I’ve never been and just explore the world. Take nothing but a backpack and cash and gain the kind of experiences that money could never buy you. I mean, I could consider the urgency of losing the very essence that is me in the “grownup world” as a major emergency which would then justify blowing my savings…I’m just saying. I think people could understand that. Right?