Lasting Impressions

As a rule, I try not to do things that I’ll be likely to regret later. A task that is more difficult than others at times given my impulsive nature and short temper…not the best qualities I know. But still, I try to reason with myself and make the best possible decisions and sometimes I let myself be influenced by the wrong things. Society puts so much pressure on us to fit in and do the “right thing.” I have to ask myself, right for whom? Right for society or right for yourself? That line gets a little blurred when a decision you make affects more than just you. When your choices are a direct reflection on your family. God forbid you brought shame on those closest to you by making the “wrong” choice. Obviously, it can be tough to avoid regrets.

Although I’m no where near perfect, looking back I don’t have that many regrets. I mean I have a few big ones, but they’re more about other people than myself. More about a situation and how I handled it, but those are regrets I consider learning experiences. Then there’s you. A memory that refuses to fade away, even after all these years. The connection I felt with you was something so Earth shattering, something I have never even come close to feeling with anyone else. I wanted to much to keep you. To give myself to you in every way, just to be near you. What’s crazy to me even now is that I barely knew you, and still I felt like you belonged in my life. Sometimes I still feel it. 

I walked away, went against my heart and did the “right” thing. I was in a relationship that had endured some very serious turmoil and the logical thing was to see it through, not leave him because we had a 15 minute connection. A choice I still regret to this day. I wish I could say that I only regret it now because that relationship ended, that these thoughts are only in my head now because I’m looking back but that’s not true. I know it would look better to the world if that was the case, it would be understandable even, but to say that would be to lie and I’m done lying. 

The truth is I’ve thought about you more often than I should have over the past few years. I’ve spent countless hours looking for you online, searching page after page after page for as long as I can remember. Clearing the history on my computer just to cover my tracks. I fantasize about running into you again, someday, somewhere. I pray the universe will bring us together again, I even make promises. I promise not to make the same mistake twice. 

I know this all sounds crazy, believe me I’m aware. But I can’t help it anymore. I don’t feel connected to many people and I can’t ignore the immense pull I felt towards you. A pull I know you felt too. Putting this, these feelings out there is probably a really bad idea…but I have to get this off my chest. I’ve never told anyone about these feelings. Maybe I didn’t want to admit it to myself because then I’d have to face my feelings for him. Hmm. I’m thinking I’m gonna skip that part for now. 

Or maybe I’m making this into something more than it was, nothing more than a lasting impression.

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