Monthly Archives: April 2010

Going with the flow

Sometimes plans fall through. Sometimes our lives don’t turn out exactly how we wanted them to. And sometimes the best thing you can do is sit back and enjoy the ride. For some people, taking life one day at a time and relinquishing control is a lot harder than it seems. I think that one of life’s greatest lessons is being able to accept that sometimes, there are greater powers at work. Powers that know exactly why things happen and all we can do is have a little faith that all will turn out well in the end. there’s another difficult concept, faith. 

Having faith is something you cannot see or understand is one of the hardest things in the world. For those of us who grew up in religious families, attending Sunday Mass with confession and all, faith is kind of a given. It’s engraved into our psyches since birth, this unyielding feeling that you just have to believe. For others, it can be harder to come by. But for all of us, there’s always that one moment where your faith is tested. Where, for a split second, you wonder if there’s a purpose to all this craziness after all. Some of us waver in our beliefs, while others hope against all odds that their efforts are not in vain. 

I happen to be one of those hopefuls. Blame it on my Catholic upbringing or my ability to always bounce back or whatever you want. At the end of the day, I’ve learned to allow things to just happen. To let someone else take the wheel and see where I end up.

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Lasting Impressions

As a rule, I try not to do things that I’ll be likely to regret later. A task that is more difficult than others at times given my impulsive nature and short temper…not the best qualities I know. But still, I try to reason with myself and make the best possible decisions and sometimes I let myself be influenced by the wrong things. Society puts so much pressure on us to fit in and do the “right thing.” I have to ask myself, right for whom? Right for society or right for yourself? That line gets a little blurred when a decision you make affects more than just you. When your choices are a direct reflection on your family. God forbid you brought shame on those closest to you by making the “wrong” choice. Obviously, it can be tough to avoid regrets.

Although I’m no where near perfect, looking back I don’t have that many regrets. I mean I have a few big ones, but they’re more about other people than myself. More about a situation and how I handled it, but those are regrets I consider learning experiences. Then there’s you. A memory that refuses to fade away, even after all these years. The connection I felt with you was something so Earth shattering, something I have never even come close to feeling with anyone else. I wanted to much to keep you. To give myself to you in every way, just to be near you. What’s crazy to me even now is that I barely knew you, and still I felt like you belonged in my life. Sometimes I still feel it. 

I walked away, went against my heart and did the “right” thing. I was in a relationship that had endured some very serious turmoil and the logical thing was to see it through, not leave him because we had a 15 minute connection. A choice I still regret to this day. I wish I could say that I only regret it now because that relationship ended, that these thoughts are only in my head now because I’m looking back but that’s not true. I know it would look better to the world if that was the case, it would be understandable even, but to say that would be to lie and I’m done lying. 

The truth is I’ve thought about you more often than I should have over the past few years. I’ve spent countless hours looking for you online, searching page after page after page for as long as I can remember. Clearing the history on my computer just to cover my tracks. I fantasize about running into you again, someday, somewhere. I pray the universe will bring us together again, I even make promises. I promise not to make the same mistake twice. 

I know this all sounds crazy, believe me I’m aware. But I can’t help it anymore. I don’t feel connected to many people and I can’t ignore the immense pull I felt towards you. A pull I know you felt too. Putting this, these feelings out there is probably a really bad idea…but I have to get this off my chest. I’ve never told anyone about these feelings. Maybe I didn’t want to admit it to myself because then I’d have to face my feelings for him. Hmm. I’m thinking I’m gonna skip that part for now. 

Or maybe I’m making this into something more than it was, nothing more than a lasting impression.

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Jack of all Trades

People always say a Jack of all Trades is a Master of none, but why is that so bad? I mean is perfection really so important? I don’t think it is, to me its all the imperfections we have that make us who we are. They make each of us special in our own way. 

When I was a kid, I had a different dream every few months or so. A new goal for my life. I wanted to be a Vet. I wanted to be on Broadway. I even wanted to be a Marine Biologist and live on some secluded island somewhere, studying the marine life. I think somewhere along the way to adulthood, we lose that childish habit. Somewhere along the way, we forget to dream big. We forget the point of all this…joy. If you’re not happy with what you do or where your life is, nothing else matters. 

Happiness is the only reason to do anything. Now don’t get me wrong, making yourself happy and being selfish are very different things that vary from person to person. Some people find happiness in helping others. Other people spend their entire lives trying to figure out how to make themselves happy and that’s okay too. Each of us has a path to follow and sometimes it’s a road we need to take alone. Sometimes going it alone is the only point, even if we don’t get it right the first time. How to pick up the pieces when it all falls apart, that’s how you find out what kind of person you really are. 

I’ve had to pick up the pieces in my life a few too many times. So who I am? I’m not so sure anymore. I used to be a fighter. A survivor. No matter how bad things got, I always rose above. I always sucked it up, wiped the tears from my eyes and kept going. Not that I’ve had it bad, I’ve just had to deal with a lot of loss in 23 short years. More than most people experience in their whole lives. But I never let anything beat me, I always believed that it all happened for a reason and that it was ultimately for the best. But somewhere in the midst of all my fighting, I lost my purpose. I lost why I was fighting and what I was fighting for exactly. I can’t really pin point when or why it happened or why I’ve suddenly noticed. I just woke up one day and saw everything in a different light and I realized that I don’t want to let me life pass me by. 

I know that to the world, I’m still just another kid who hasn’t found her place yet. It’s just so weird to me that I had more conviction in me when I was 17 years old than I do now. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? I mean, I get that things are always clearer when you’re looking back…nothing like the uncertainty of looking to the future. But I can’t help but wonder if I’ve been so jaded these past few years that I lost the girl I used to be. So soon? I figured the world would change me once I had to be an adult in it, but I kind of thought I had more time to figure that out. 

Mmm. Maybe I need a sabbatical. Maybe he was right, a vision quest might be exactly what I need…

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