I thought growing pains were only supposed to be during your teens….you know coming into your own. Fitting in…actually GROWING. Guess I was wrong.
It’s as if every time you’re faced with a new challenge, a new choice…another opportunity to grow a little you’re going to FEEL it. I’ve got so many things going on lately I don’t know what to do with myself much less what to think. I can’t even begin to contemplate what I should do. What choice I should make….what is the right path for me.
I expected my teens to be hard, but I wasn’t prepared for so many hard lefts in my twenties. I thought that these would be the years I could explore. Push myself to my limits. Expand my horizons.
So now, just when I started to feel like I was getting it together, that I’m starting to work on my B.A., that I finally got a job in my field….my whole family is moving away. Three thousand miles away to be exact. My initial decision was not to go…to stay here and see where my life stakes me. Remain on this path with my school, my job and my boyfriend. But the closer I get to the day they leave, the more anxious I get.
I almost feel like I’m falling apart…I cry at the tiniest thing and then I just can’t stop myself. It’s like a waterfall over spilt milk. The whole thing is also putting a strain on my relationship, but how could it not? He doesn’t understand how much this is affecting me. So naturally, we argue about it. About my mood swings lately, about my crying, about it all.
I know it’s not right to direct my frustrations at him, but I can’t help it. I can’t seem to get what I need from him right now and I don’t know how to fix it. Maybe a part of me sees him as the reason I’m staying…the cause for this heartache. But I know that he’s not the cause. He is not the one moving away, and the choice to stay was mine. No one else.
Yet, all of this brings me to question if we’re right for each other. I mean, we’ve been together for six years…shouldn’t he know how to comfort me by now? Can’t he see through my crankiness? Doesn’t he see that I’m just trying to get through this in one piece??? If he doesn’t see that I’m just having a hard time with all this change now, what can I expect from him if I do fall apart? Would he even know how to put me back together? Would he try?
Needless to say, I’m going through a rough time right now…so you’ll be seeing more entries on my blog than usual. Whether that’s a good or a bad thing, I don’t know but I don’t really care either. I need to get this stuff off my chest and for right now this blog is the only place I can do that….for now.
Jennifer M Lima 